Deal Breakers

I don't think I believe in unconditional love for a spouse. Children definitely, spouse no. I have always conceived of certain deal breakers in a marriage. However, the longer I am married the more I reconsider items I formerly labeled absolute deal-breakers. Fortunately I have only had to think about this in the abstract. At least on my end.

So it was a real shocker when H told me his.

The only recurring struggle in my marriage is the children issue. The only really gruesome, painful arguments are not about whether to have children, how many to adopt, etc. They are about HOW to have children. At my darkest points I wonder why two people were put together in such a fun happy marriage only to differ on such a major issue. At my darkest moments I wonder why I didn't marry the man who also dreamed moving to Africa and joining the peace corp, or who also has a passion for social work and a mission to help hurt children. At my darkest moments I am ready to find that man. But then I am gently reminded that the man I have is good, and the marriage I have is also good, good I owe in part to the fact that we rely so much on each other to get through the bad that only we alone know.

So H has told me that if I am not willing to at least try to have a biological child via IVF, it will be a deal breaker. I am hoping this was a threat only issued at his darkest moments. I actually understand where he is coming from, and his reasons. But to have the concrete ultimatum still hurts.

What a boob

I have occasional throbbing pain in my right breast toward my armpit area. Occasional is probably even an overstatement because it will go away for months at a time, allowing me to forget it even happened. - Until it happens again and I feel like an idiot for never seeing a doc in the first place. I am the type that jumps to the worst conclusion for any minor malady. Last year I had a paper cut that healed too slowly and I went to be tested for diabetes because my self afflicted WebMD diagnosis was very convincing. Actual diagnosis: I am not diabetic, but I probably need a hobby to distract me from paper cuts. So basically, yes I do care about my health, but I have a tendency to over-obsess and I am more afraid of seeming hypochondriac than anything else. So apparently my mode is simply ignore possibly important body signals. Oh, and did I mention that I also have a breast lump in that same area? I am making myself sound even more stupid now. But the excuse is that I actually was seen for that same lump in the same area five years ago, and my excellent lady doc didn't feel what I was feeling. And hey, it has been four years without incident. Also, since I cannot even find the dang lump consistently, I assume it will be fruitless to let the doc check it out. And ironically, when I saw my handsome/maddening new gyno for the endo related stuff, the first time he layed a hand on that exact spot he looked alarmed and said "Are you aware you have a breast lump" and I saw my life flashed before my eyes, and then he squooshed my other melon and said "oh no, you just have dense breasts." Phew. Oh yeah, and I have even enlisted H in the inspections and on the rare occasion we have felt the lump, (and my life flashed before my eyes again) we then found the exact same lump on the other side, making me again feel like a fool again. So bottom line, I will go to the doctor soon. Even if the pain goes away. Even if I feel like a fool.

Long time no post

I have been mentally blogging, but honestly I have been so happily busy I haven't wanted to actually log on and type. I don't know how many words per minute I type, but it is some really slow number. I think I would be better suited to the days of butter churning, but I am sure I wouldn't have understood that new-fangled technology either.
The happily busy part simply comes from simply being busy. Spring/summer are here, and I have attempted a small but hopefully not overwhelming garden, (trying so hard not to do my normal overkill on the idea of a new hobby and burn out before I even start.) So now I can come home, weed, watch my little plants progress, and mow the lawn and make small efforts to tame the wild thing I call a yard. I have grass that I can walk in bear-foot! No fire ants. Beautiful black dirt to grow things, ahhhh. Yard work in great weather is my small plot of heaven on earth. And I now realize I just had way too much time on my hands during winter to think about myself - Not healthy. I have some good months ahead before winter hits, but I would love to hear what you would do if you had the time before kids back to yourself.

You're Fired - maybe.

So obviously I was naive to think that accounting is completely recession proof. Three people from our department were laid off on Friday. Argh.
The boss said that the bloodbath was over "for now". Argh again. I don't know what "for now" means. But H and I are definitely on the bottom rung of things, and pretty vulnerable if and when there is a round two.

Random thoughts..

I find it very cool that infertility has forced H and I outside of the box when we think about family building. We are not limited by age, or gender, or race. We will just do what feels right when it feels right. It is a realistic possibility that my first child could be a teenager. Or that none of my kids will look like me. The limitations we do have are that always looming biological clock; it will dictate when, and how we do IVF. The second limitation is financial. At this point neither of us are willing to adopt or foster a young child until we have a biological child. The leap from working to stay at home foster or adoptive mom seems really enormous, but for some reason, the leap from working to staying at home with a bio newborn seems necessity, and to adopt when I am already SAHM anyway doesn't seems like less of a leap.

I genuinely love that I can have such an open/abstract picture of family. H has really come around in the last year too. I found sweet looking sibling group of teenagers the other day, and have been imagining them in our lives. At first it is fun, and I can even mentally handle the worst case scenarios I run through in my head; the thing that always gets me is the actual logistics, the actual cost, the actual human beings behind the cute smiles. That is when I get scared and start thinking about less monumental topics, such as what to eat for dinner.

But no matter how scary, or crazy the idea is, reality is already nuts for those kids. I don't know what happened to their parents: But they are up for adoption because NO ONE, not a single relative, friend of the family, teacher, clergyman, neighbor had the guts to take them in. So the only people they have in the world are their siblings, and they can't even have that because siblings are so difficult to place. The oldest brother who is almost 16 plans to adopt his siblings when he is emancipated. It is scary how focused a 15 year old boy is on a "dream" that is a right to most.

Argh

I am feeling angry and small and petty right now.

My bro in law asked us when we are having a baby.

"I don't know bro who hardly knows anything about me, why don't you tell me, because at this point maybe you do know something I don't. Does anyone ever really know when they are going to have a baby? Sort of an odd question from someone who knows how long I have been trying. I would have predicted last month, when the chlomid made the endo feel like it was growing up and through my ribcage. I really felt like that warranted a baby, but again, I was wrong.

Oh, or was the question a thinly veiled judgement about why we haven't done more to make this thing happen. You looked quite shocked when I told you we were in fact seeing the doctor at the same clinic your friends who went through infertility and is now cured by a bouncy baby boy.

Let me just lay it all on the line for you bro in law. If I am to be judged I want it to be on the whole story. None of this is for the benefit of my kind readers, because they are non-judgey and well, kind.

What the hell have I been up to for the last 4.5 years?

Year one. Try. You are officially infertile after 12 mos of trying to no avail, so I waited the full 12, just so the reproductive endocrinologist wouldn't blow me off. I also began charting and ovulation tracking after about 5 mos - Also so the RE wouldn't blow me off.

Year Two: Get tested. Full blood work-up for H and myself, along with a semen analysis and a hydrosalpingogram (dye injection into tubes to verify whether they are clear). We find out we are both fine, but H does have bad sperm morphology (shape). We are told by two seperate RE's that this does not explain our infertility, it is just another strike against it. I go on Chlomid for a total of 7 mos. 1 with a failed attempt because I had too large of cysts on my ovaries. We also did two inter uterine inseminations IUI's. Spent about 4K on IF stuff.

Year Three. Officially switch to different RE who has better IVF success rates. Will need to be retested on everything prior to IVF. In contemplation of moving out of state, we do nothing this year, other than get tested for pre-diabetes, or PCOS possibilities (Negative btw). Still somehow managed to rack up nearly 2K in doc bills for basically nothing.

Year Four. Start seeing a therapist for marital and personal problems related to infertility. Find a new OBGYN. Schedule and have my endo surgery, because I suspect there has to be something more to my unexplained state. I am correct. I have endometriosis that so bad I ought to have a hysterectomy right now, but I still want to keep my scarred parts - just in case, you know. Get a new RE. Get a new semen analysis: This time everything is hunky-dory. Go back on Chlomid. Schedule some more IUI's this summer. Total spent so far in year four: about 4K. The endo clean out gave us a reason to start back at square one. So four years later here I am sitting on square one.

So there you are judgy bro in law. I know where you are coming from. I was the girl who vowed after year one that I wouldn't be one of those who got distracted by wordly things and and took forever to have a baby. Is four years forever? As I type this up it sort of feels that way.

I prefer dogs

I want to give up a little secret. -Or other people's little secrets, I guess.

Those people who chose not to have kids -
And say they prefer cats
or that they want to put their career first
or that they'd rather spoil their neices and nephews,
or that they'd rather have a dog - because dogs are easier than kids...

Most of the time...

They are lying.

I believe this, because I have said similarly stupid, shallow sounding things. It is my way to quickly dismiss inquiries or judgements I don't want to to deal with.

I also believe it because I have become a confessional booth for childless people. I guess they consider me one of them.

Some friends have said those stupid shallow things because they didn't want to admit to family and friends that their marriage was falling apart.

Another said those stupid things because she didn't want to go into the issue that she wanted a baby, but feared that her husband with debilitating A.D.D. might not get a job, when and if he finished school.

Another older, rich and fab coworker who says those stupid things anytime ANYONE mutters something about kids admitted how she struggled with the decision of whether to have kids, decided not too, and was nearly crushed with sadness and jealousy when her stepdaughter had a baby. She loved her little grandbaby, and still beats herself up about her decision.

Sometimes shallowness masks things that go deep.