BFN

I called the nurse Friday to let her know I was starting my period, and she kindly allowed us to come in for testing early Saturday morning so we wouldn't have to be tortured waiting until Monday. (The scheduled date).

So in order to make a long story short: I am not pregnant.

And in order to make light of something that isn't here are some funny ways to say you are "riding the big red wave"

(From Dooce.com)

"Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara"

"Taking Carrie to the Prom"

"Game Day for the Crimson Tide"

"Falling to the Communists"

"Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System"

Now I will focus on recovering my bludgeoned muffin tops from the misery that is PIO injections. There's my silver lining.

Pink Proof

This week I have felt my body trying to have a period. But that feeling could be from anything. Maybe embryos implanting feels like the start of a period? But tonight I saw the light pink proof that is the beginning of my period. I just haven't decided what to think about it yet.

The homestudy progress

My adoption license came last week. I was startled and oh so happy it came so fast and oh so happy, did I say that already? It was the only piece I was waiting on in order to get my private homestudy done. The woman conducting that homestudy informed me she will be out of town March first through nineteenth. So though I want to move forward, wrap up the private homestudy and submit an interest form on my Texas kids this very minute, I don't want to go through the homestudy saying "well I may or may not be pregnant." I want to actually know, and I am sure any agency would want to actually know as well. So that puts this show after March 19th. I sort of hate that waiting for this pregnancy test is holding up my adoption plans. Even if it is for just a few more weeks. It makes me feel like I really have let the biological trump the adopted which drives me nuts. But of course I want to appear as sane and thoughtful in the adoption interview as possible, so if the IVF doesn't work I can simply disclose it and discuss it if needed, or just proceed in finding some kids for H & me and baby.

Corrections, etc

Oh and as a follow up to my previous post, I just now realized that tomorrow IS Monday. But you know what I mean anyway. I will be sure to relax tonight and then for sure I will be knocked up tomorrow. Because of course relaxing and just forgetting about it has worked for many women. And then I'll try the no dairy thing if that doesn't work.

And I did say a cuss word very loudly in the hallway at church right before I burst into a brief hysterical sob. I remembered the meltdown for sure, and fortunately there was only one witness plus H and a few startled passers-by. I did not remember the swearing. H just reminded me of that. I think it was just hell or damn though so I really feel no guilt.

Some legends should die.

Today was just a sucky day at church. I was prepared for the inevitable "Did you hear ----- is pregnant! - Because many of us got the same email.

But yes, a very kind acquaintance sat by me and said "Did you hear ---- is pregnant! I am so excited for her! You know she was basically on the verge of having to go through IVF but then she found this herb doctor and now she is pregnant! I need to call her to find out what that doctor did because it totally saved her from having to do IVF!" I was smiling and nodding in excitement and agreement while dying on the inside. *

Oh, so this is how those horrid stories are born: As in ..".I knew a girl who tried everything, and then was almost having to do IVF, and then decided to (insert here anything you can possibly think of: see an herbologist, acupuncturist, Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor, chiropractor, ...go off dairy, meat, sugar... say more prayers, just relax, adopt...take up yoga, start running, stop running, join the circus...." Fact is, someone knows someone who has fit into every category under the moon. And I won't knock the validity of anyone's personal story. But these anecdotes are awful and horrible and should be never passed along to me. For as long as I live. And not at my damn funeral either. Even if I go off dairy tomorrow and get prego on Monday.

Thank you.

*Note: This girl has no idea I am doing IVF. Though I am pretty sure she knows I have been infertile for a gazillion years. I am confident she would be the one dying if she knew, which is certainly not her fault. She was just being happy for a mutual friend. Totally understandable.

I'm so happy for you!

My church friend who has been really fervently trying to get pregnant for two or three years now (the one i was going to do IVF in Czech with) emailed me and some others who knew of her plight, that she is pregnant. (She moved away a few months ago) My next sentence would customarily be "and I am so happy for her". But I feel that it is stupid that I feel I have to add that. Of course i am happy for her, who wouldn't be? But I say it over and over, or OVER emphasize it as it to assure not only my happiness for her, but that her news hasn't hurt me and I am un-phased by it. Which is just a big luscious lie. There is no way an infertile exits the fruitless world without really stupefying the ones still on the barren rock. And it happens to us all.

In college my husband and I spent a summer term in Guanajuato, Mexico. It was lovely and safe town, but still had its share of extreme haves and have-nots. Cardboard shacks next to mansions, that type of thing. Walking back to our apartment from dinner one night, I watched a family celebrating their child's birthday. An entire extended family gathering around a five year old to watch him open a huge wrapped present. It was really fun to watch. And then I noticed I was not the only one watching the party. A little beggar boy, the same age had been watching from the corner and probably unknowingly had walked closer and closer to see what was going on. The birthday boy opened his present - a new bike, and squealed and his family laughed and hugged him. It was picturesque. And I looked back at the beggar child expecting to see jealousy on his face and what I saw was indescribably worse than jealousy. I could see his little wheels turning, but didn't see anger, excitement, sadness. Just a tiny little boy with nothing attempting to take in a scene his own life had given him no ability to digest. I cried night after night because of that look. And still cry thinking about it now. I still have found no word for the look on his face, and though my situation is FAR different, I have felt that feeling.

It just is.

And I imagine that though I don't know anyone personally who is further along the IF road than me, if I did, then there would be someone out there who I care about who I would have to tell the happy news "I am pregnant"( if indeed I am.) And I wouldn't filter my own happiness. And I wouldn't expect her to give me the cursory "I am so happy for you" but of course she would.

We just do.

Alien bloat, PIO poop, and the non-high road

I have been feeling good post transfer and my scary water belly which was by far larger than my little sister's five month baby-bump is finally receding. It is sort of bitter having an uncomfortable alien like bloat when you are NOT pregnant,(okay, MAYBE pregnant) so I am really glad it's going down already.

I was going to write a triumphant post that the PIO shots are not nearly as bad as I was told, but that very night my shot was horrible and they have been all over since. So my verdict on them is you just never know how they will be. And I think that physical pain triggers my emotional pain. The night of the bad shot I had an ugly "I never even wanted to do this, you made me do this, I hope you get closure from this you big jerk because we will have to part ways if you don't" rant. It was emotional baggage dumping on my husband and he bore it kindly, and certainly didn't deserve it. This has been a rollercoaster for him too. But though my words were meant to hurt, I feel they were true. I won't do this again. I was done before we started. I feel no need to test out a bad road, before getting on a happy road. But H did. And the bad road, though unnecessary for me, could lead to a baby, or at least the closure H needs. I hope for either.