Thursday, September 17, 2009

Pill Glorious Pill

You would think if you were trying to have a baby, you wouldn't be on birth control. It seems kind of self defeating. Which is precisely why I had a prescription written months ago and couldn't bring myself to fill it. IT JUST FEELS WRONG.

However, I really should have taken something to stop cycling after I got "cleaned out" last November. And I didn't. I guess I even I, the wonder-skeptic have been affected by all those eye witness/my mom's sister's friend's aunt stories I hear about people waking up after their laparoscopies, looking at the nearest man's junk, and instantly becoming mothers.

Long story short: I have put in a good 10 or so cycles of old fashioned trying post surgery. My endo symptoms are worse than ever, and getting worse by the cycle. My cycles are an unfortunate 23-26 days SHORT, which means between ovulation and periods, I have only a few good days each month where H remembers why he married me, and gets the courage to stick it out with the psycho for another round, bless his brave heart. And, realistically, IVF is the last trick in my hat, so I may as well preserve my parts until that occurs. So tomorrow: For real: I am going to fill the prescription and start taking it. Oy.

A lot of my hang-ups about it have to do with the guilt that comes from doing something so self-serving. I LOVE THE PILL. I have missed you my sweet friend and companion. I take the packs back to back for months at a time so I only have a few periods a year and it is absolute endo sufferer's bliss! Again, I feel like the downside is I now have zero chance of having a free pregnancy, but realistically, were my odds that great anyway? So my hypothetical accident baby will have to be replaced by my Pill baby. Call me an unfit mother because it sounds like a good trade to me.


Hopeful said...

Hey!! I just read your comments on my blog. I will read your journey tonight and also feel your pain. Email me and I will answer all your questions about ivf and czech. It was an amazing experience. It will happen for you. Keep the Faith and have lots of Hope. my email is or I'm also on Facebook too.
Hang in there

Liz said...

It does sound like a good trade to me too. BTW, gotta love that H. Between the egg breath and the blood, that boy's got it good!!!

Jennifer said...

I just got back on the crack - that being the blog - and realize that THIS was the time you decided to write lots and lots. You little creep.

I don't even know what to say most of the time when I am reading you. (That sounds kinda dirty - "reading you.") I laugh, and sometimes I feel really sad. Your ocean made me sad. But I was so glad you posted it that way, because I feel like I can sort of see a little better what it is like for you. Liz is right - we all have our ocean(s). It's just that to me, mine seems a bit more like an overflowing gutter when compared to yours. Not saying that b/c you ever sound like "poor me," or anything. Mostly cuz I sound like, "poor me," and that is when I get a papercut. I wonder what I sound like the rest of the time? Ugh!

I think that you should just LOVE on that pill! You just love the HELL out of it! Incidentally, the word verification is "pillypo." I can here you saying it, "Hello, little pillypo! How I've missed you! I can't wait to take you week after week after week after...."

Okay, that's it.

Natalee said...

Liz is right, it's a good trade. Anyway you get a baby is good. We love you guys. H is the best.

Court said...

You'll be pleased to know that you can kick that guilt to the curb. My mid-wife actually put me on the pill for several months at a time in order to stabilize my hormone levels. We'd go off the pill and then try and if it didn't work, we'd go back on for another few. We got pregnant both times using this method. I wish you godspeed my fellow pill-taker. Soon you will have to re-name your blog The Mare because I see babies in your future. Here's to your fertility!