Friday, March 26, 2010

A banner day

We met our state caseworker Yolanda on Thursday. I really liked her. I think I am loving anyone involved in foster care and adoption lately. I want to be in their club. I want to hear their stories and why they do what they do.

She was really eager to place three siblings under five with us. I said no. Too little, too much. She said - I have three siblings age 7-9. I am not kidding, I really wanted them. That day. But we let her know we are mentally committed to seeing things through with the possibility of the Texas teens, and we would need to hold off on placements until we get a yes or a no from TX.

Despite the talk of poo-smearing, tiny sexual perps, firestarters, heartbreaking neglect and other heavies, we were left with an overall feeling that was good, and peaceful and happy and exciting and natural. I imagined a banner floating above our heads that read "This is the road! This is your family!" It was written in multi-colored, bubbly handwriting. It was a great day.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Bleh. We finally had our post IVF chat with the doctor. They schedule you weeks out, presumably so the angry patients can calm down a bit. As of this morning, I would have said their little plan had worked, because I had a mellow, normal week. Apparently that was just me going through the motions of life, happy to be distracted by a 65 hour work week. Not much time to dwell or stew. I wonder if dwelling and stewing is healthy though...

Unfortunately we got the answers, or lack thereof that we were expecting. There was no identifiable problem except the poor quality of our embryos. And there is really no explanation for that. So if we were to do this again (internal cringe) the only thing that they would do differently is give me a higher dose of stims, to hopefully better our chances via simply retrieving more eggs. Doesn't sound like rocket science to me.

So the doctor said that statistically, our odds the second and third time are about the same as the first. But after three your odds plummet. I wonder if that is because many patients can't finish treatment the fourth time because they are too busy setting themselves on fire. I'm just saying, I can think of better things to do with my sanity and money, thank you very much.

I also am left to wonder what it really means when your doctor strongly suggests looking into adoption. STRONGLY. (More on that strange part of the conversation in another post) I guess I appreciate her realism. I also wonder where it leaves me that when I asked her if I can and should get on a drug to suppress my periods - and therefore my endometriosis (and therefore the chance of every getting a freebie pregnancy) she didn't answer yes or no, just simply my various drug options.

And furthermore, I am really left trying to deal with the fact that when I asked if it would be a good idea to suppress my period and try again sometime in the next five years she directly answered "I would try within a year".

It's a premature death I am not ready to handle. I was expecting to lay my last eggs around 35. Not next year. I am so sad.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Oscar for top reaction goes to...

The prize for most overdramatic reaction goes to 4'8" mother in law. She met us at the door when we reached her house. She gave us both hugs and seemed to not know what to say other than "I love you two". Well my tiny little mother in law packs a punch in terms of hysteria and worries due to the her anxiety disorder, and she has found a really great drug coctail that even allows her to go on car rides without hissing through her teeth while clawing the seats, eyes closed. It has also kept some of the more dramatic lost dog episodes in the past. (Unfortunately for anyone who has heard those stories, as they are gems). However, not even the pharmaceutical finest could have kept this episode at bay:

Within less than five minutes she escalated from minor weeping and hugging to "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!? (screaming and fist shaking) HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED! (googly-eyed desparation) WHEN CAN YOU START AGAIN? (wild eyed and pacing) Break.

At this point H tries to interupt saying, "Mother, we don't even know if we can or will do this again, we need to talk to the doctor first." I am thinking "So this is how magical checks are written - under extreme duress. How much will a massage in Greece help my fertility?" We are both cut off by her next thought: "AUNT NINA GAVE ME A PAPER WITH THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO HELPED JENNA SAUSILITO IN THE 2ND WARD GET PREGNANT WITH TWINS (hunting through piles of paper) IT'S GOT TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE (frantically hunting through piles of paper) HIS NAME WAS JAPANESE. OR MAYBE IT WAS INDIAN. ARE THERE ANY DOCTORS IN SALT LAKE WHO ARE JAPANESE OR INDIAN. I THINK I WILL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SAY IT. WHAT WERE THE NAMES OF YOUR DOCTORS. OH I CAN'T FIND IT. NAME YOUR DOCTORS. START NAMING OFF ALL YOUR DOCTORS. NAME ALL THE DOCTORS IN SALT LAKE! (throwing papers, running from room to room.)

Fortunately we were able to quickly calm her down by assuring her all doctors have the same statistics and there really was no magical doctor who only creates pregnant patients with twins. I also asked some gardening questions about when to plant peas. She never did return to writing a blank check.

Though funny and sad at the same time, I was touched by the hysteria. I have only seen that level when the beloved Boston Terrier was lost on a snowy evening. And she LOOOOOOOVES that dog. So I guess this was proof of how much she loves us too.

The Lingo

BFN=Big Fat Negative. There are all kinds of crazy abbreviations in the IF world.

Thanks to everyone. Every one of you said the perfect thing.

I had a cavity that needed fixing this weekend which necessitated a weekend stay with my in-laws. Probably not the best place for being sad or working through it, but maybe that is why it seemed to work well. I didn't know how to be sad. I don't know how to work through it.

It was very weird to have to, in various ways, tell the 10 or more family members who were privy to the not so secret mission of the last couple months. I had read it was really stupid to tell very many people because it made the failures harder. I have nothing to compare this event to, but I have found that sharing sad news with people who love you just isn' t that bad. Everyone reacted very differently, but bottom line was I felt really loved.