Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I guess I am not so thrilled anymore

Ok, so my triumphant last post was a bit premature. Now I am sad. Now I have actually educated myself about endometriosis, and basically, it sucks. Now I have realized that endo doesn't just explain why I have been infertile, it IS why I am infertile.

I had a scream/cry/swear(& sound like an idiot)-fest on the drive home from a weekend get together with my family:

My well meaning mother was obnoxiously hopeful that I would get pregnant very soon, because 28 year ago my infertility stricken aunt had a laparoscopy and then had a baby shortly thereafter. -So now I would too!

This was said in response to sharing some information with my mom about our progress on our adoption homestudy.

I get absolutely no feedback regarding my adoption pursuits. None. I actually get negative responses from some people, which sends me through the roof, but NONE? Typical. That's all I can say.

The most painful part of it was this: Her fixation on the fact that having a baby will magically "heal me". I absolutely feel that I could get pregnant now. I absolutely feel that I will be a parent. I absolutely know that having a baby will be very exciting and will heal some wounds. But it won't heal them all because baby or no baby I will still be an infertile woman. In what I guess was 25 years of married life + menstruation my dear aunt had two children. TWO. And as wonderful as her life is for her, or would be for many others, hers is not the vision I have for my own. For me, her life would be an abismal defeat.

My dream is to have CHILDREN. They will come into my family at various ages, they may or may not look like me, they may have issues (who doesn't), and they may not meet the criteria of being another person's dream children. But they are the what I dream of every day.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I had my laparoscopy yesterday. The verdict: Endometriosis. Everywhere. Completely covering my bladder, my bowels, in and around my intestines, ovaries, fallopian tubes and so much in my pelvic cavity that it had pushed every item above to where it had no business being.
I am so relieved that I am not crazy. I feel so bad for giving my Uti such a bad wrap. I guess my woman parts aren't traitors after all, they just had an impossibly poor work environment.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth?

Ugh. My inlaws have declared that in lieu of regular Christmas we are going on a family trip. This is good news. We have never attempted anything like a family trip, so I support this bold new step toward Utah style togetherness. The Ugh is for the Disneyland thing. There are 16 adults and five children that will be going on this adventure. The oldest child is in Kindergarten. and two of the children are actually babies. So is this really the best place for us to go? I have mixed emotions.
I haven't been since I was 12. And it was decent then.
Husband has seething hatred for Disneyland which is founded by nothing legitimate, unless "hating kids called Hunter and Trekker, and all their fat parents and grandparents" counts. I don't think this counts, but hearing Husband cite this repeatedly is so annoying that it is indeed beginning to count. Points for consistency.
I am open to the possibility that it may actually be fun for us. Who knows.
However, the pro Disney movement suffered a setback when my brother in law tried to persuade husband on the basis that Disneyland is so fun for his kids, and "don't we like seeing how much fun his kids are having?" Ummm -No.
I love my cute little nieces and nephews so much. But voyeuristic parenting does not bring satisfaction. Sorry. And who are you trying to kid? I know you also love your nieces and nephews but would you really want to spend the day on its a small world or dumbo strictly to see the joy on their little faces? I doubt it. I submit the hypothesis that parental love is a lot different than Auntie love. As it should be.
And truthfully, I know some wierd grown ups who go to Disneyland pre children. But husband and I are not that kind of people. We are the kind of people who probably, eventually, will suck it up so we can see a big smile light up our little Hunter/Trekker's face as he bobs up and down on Dumbo. But eventually is a long way away and it makes me so sad.

I drank a tall glass of backwash ya'll!

Of course, it was accidental.
I was washing a bunch of dishes after our YW Evening in Excellence. Washing enough to work up a mighty thirst. I quenched my thirst with a tall glass of delicious slush drink out of a pitcher sitting on near the sink. Delicious slush drink was a little watery and warm. Still pretty delish though. Helper lady walks in and yells "don't drink that it is the leftovers from all the cups on the tables!" An entire glass was already in my stomach. So this revelation was not helpful. It is still in there. Sitting like a paperweight of sludge.
I am trying to minimize this event.
I probably get more germs from my car steering wheel -right? And remote controls are filthy too aren't they? And I chow in the car, and while channel surfing.
And just think of all the great immunities this will allow me to build.
If I make it.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I am investigating the other woman...

There is an intruder who has wreaked havoc on my marriage since day one. Her name is Uti. She is my bossy, ornery uterus. Husband and I both dislike her. She always wants things her way, and gets it most the time. When I ignore her she pinches me, or kicks me. When she doesn't want to do "it", "it" don't get done. This summer I finally had had it, and scheduled an appointment with a OBGYN pain specialist who (marvel of marvels) actually listened to me. We scheduled a laparoscopy, to investigate/diagnose and laser off any endometriosis. Contrary to infertility folklore, this will not increase my fertility chances. The only way it would is they were able to unblock a fallopian tube, or remove scar tissue that prohibited me from ovulating. This will not happen as I: 1. Already had a hysterosalpingogram which indicated I had totally unblocked tubes. 2. Ovulate regularly. (I know so because I have done all the temperature charts, peed on too many sticks, mucked around in mucus (-I can't believe science in the twenty first century still needs to rely on that one.) and lastly, I know because Uti HATES to ovulate. I bloat and am so tender my footsteps on solid ground send pain through my angry ovaries.) So really the only thing gained from this probe into my woman world is to get some answers as to why all the shenanigans. So what is Uti's response to her impending exposure? Nearly perfect behavior! I think its because she wants me to second guess this decision and cancel the surgery. Not a chance Uti. You are going down.