Thursday, October 21, 2010


That third little embryo we left out didn't grow into a blastocyst so it couldn't be frozen. That means that it wouldn't have worked out in my uterus either. The science of this stuff is so interesting.

On a bright note I woke up yesterday feeling the best I have felt in weeks. And it would be difficult to exaggerate how much easier this time around has been both physically and emotionally. Doing a shared risk plan has really taken the edge off emotionally, and not doing the progesterone injections has made this way better on my bottom. I didn't get the water belly this time either, likely because I still have something thicker than water hanging around my mid section due to all the emotion driven Einstein Bagel runs I have made in the last nine months.

One week until the verdict. Crossing fingers...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Transplant day

Five eggs fertilized, but this clinic doesn't give you any status for the first three days, so we had to wait until today to hear how they were doing. We both were worried maybe all were goners, but one was looking good and the other two were so-so. The doctor surprised us by saying we should probably just implant them today. I was happy with this, because it gave me the rest of Sunday to lay around, and then I will just call in sick tomorrow to do some more moping around the house aka bedrest.
The tough part was that the doctor gave us the option to transfer all three. I guess the risk of triplets is only 3%, so H and even the doctor agreed that for them that is a tolerable risk. For me however, triplets and beyond is so scary and horrible. That 3% is higher than zero, and that makes it a no go for me. So H and I had to argue it out for a while the doctor waited in the hall. Also, I might add that the doctor said he could tolerate the risk of triplets in order to have a better success rate in light of the fact that he doesn't have a problem reducing the pregnancy. I have discovered through this process that I have no judgment whatsoever about people reducing their pregnancies, because I would really do nearly anything to not have triplets. -Except you don't do a reduction until around 12 weeks, and after struggling this long to have a baby I know I couldn't end a fetus' beating heart. Thankfully, because we were at an impass, the doctor went in to get an update on the cells, and we now had two front runners and one straggler, so I won. Just two in, and we will let the runt grow in the lab until day five to see if it is good enough to freeze.
I recounted the events to my mom and I could tell she was doing the dumb acknowledgment laugh that means she agreed with H. Look, I know it is crazy not to do whatever I can to maximize my chances for pregnancy but I am not scared of triplets because it would be hard to have three babies. The stork could drop them off on my doorstep today and I would be elated. But triplets are born 2 month early on average, and nearly all stay in the NICU for some amount of time and end up just healthy and fine. But 25% are born even earlier than that. Maybe with lifelong health problems, and I don't even want to be in the situation of thinking that it is my fault because I got greedy trying to maximize my odds of pregnancy. I feel so strongly about this it really ticks me off that my opinion isn't respected. I feel like these are the closest things I have felt to protective motherly instincts and I am going to stand by them even if it means I am won't be a mother this go around.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Retrieval day

When things are going great I don't post. Blogging is usually the outlet of frustration, but I haven't wanted to post at all lately because I've been too sad. I had my egg retrieval today. The IVF has gone really smoothly. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs, and they guessed about 50% will be mature enough to attempt fertilization. So shooting for 8ish embryos with 50% typically dying off over the next few days. They will call me tonight with the fertilized numbers. So we are really hoping for at least two great embryos.

The source of the sadness is H still not having a job. Nothing like having new drama to minimize old drama, because honestly I just haven't had any mental energy to care about the IVF at all and that at least, has been a great thing.

After the first IVF failed my boss called me into his office to offer his sympathy and opened up to me about the death of his 19 year old son, who was killed instantly in a car crash while serving a mission in Africa. Man that was sad stuff to even hear. And though he was really generous in comparing my plight and his, the two just aren't even in the same hemisphere of suffering. His conclusion at the end of the chat was "Trials can be awful, but after all is said and done I wouldn't trade mine for anyone's else." I thought about it for a minute and I agreed. I hate the infertility but I know it, and I have learned some things from it, and I have made a sort of peace with it. It's a familiar bag that I have gotten good at carrying.

I cannot say the same thing for the layoff. At times I feel this is eating me alive. I see no good in it. I have learned some lessons and I certainly see many things differently now, but I don't at all feel like the lessons learned outweigh the bad. My main hope is that in the future these last few months will fade to small insignificant memories. I would give this away, I would trade it away.