Thursday, October 14, 2010

Retrieval day

When things are going great I don't post. Blogging is usually the outlet of frustration, but I haven't wanted to post at all lately because I've been too sad. I had my egg retrieval today. The IVF has gone really smoothly. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs, and they guessed about 50% will be mature enough to attempt fertilization. So shooting for 8ish embryos with 50% typically dying off over the next few days. They will call me tonight with the fertilized numbers. So we are really hoping for at least two great embryos.

The source of the sadness is H still not having a job. Nothing like having new drama to minimize old drama, because honestly I just haven't had any mental energy to care about the IVF at all and that at least, has been a great thing.

After the first IVF failed my boss called me into his office to offer his sympathy and opened up to me about the death of his 19 year old son, who was killed instantly in a car crash while serving a mission in Africa. Man that was sad stuff to even hear. And though he was really generous in comparing my plight and his, the two just aren't even in the same hemisphere of suffering. His conclusion at the end of the chat was "Trials can be awful, but after all is said and done I wouldn't trade mine for anyone's else." I thought about it for a minute and I agreed. I hate the infertility but I know it, and I have learned some things from it, and I have made a sort of peace with it. It's a familiar bag that I have gotten good at carrying.

I cannot say the same thing for the layoff. At times I feel this is eating me alive. I see no good in it. I have learned some lessons and I certainly see many things differently now, but I don't at all feel like the lessons learned outweigh the bad. My main hope is that in the future these last few months will fade to small insignificant memories. I would give this away, I would trade it away.


Jennifer said...

I am really sorry about the job situation. There is nothing to say to make that feel any better, really. So, I will just scream, "Yippee!" about all those lovely eggs and a smooth IVF run. I agree about not switching trials with anyone, although the times I didn't feel that way were right in the middle of the rough spots. I remind myself that when I got to the other side, I could see that I was better off not trading. However, it would have been a really nice option if we, as humans, were able to just carry someone else's bag for a short time, you know, just to give people a break. I'd carry it for you for a little bit, let you go on a nice vacation, if I could. Instead, I'll pray for H to get a job.

Melissa said...

Wow, to me the statement your boss made is really powerful. "Trials can be awful, but after all is said and done I wouldn't trade mine for anyone's else."
Took me a minute to sit with that one.

Miss your posts. So happy to know the retrieval went smoothly. Been wondering how things were moving along for you.

Alisha said...

Praying for you and for both of the bags you're carrying right now!

Natalee said...

Love you girl. I know how you feel about the job loss. That is an awful, depressing feeling. So different than other trials. It's like you just feel a constant heaviness about you. I think Jen is right though, in the midst of trials it's hard to see what the point is. I too wish I could bare this one for you! Prayers your way.