When things are going great I don't post. Blogging is usually the outlet of frustration, but I haven't wanted to post at all lately because I've been too sad. I had my egg retrieval today. The IVF has gone really smoothly. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs, and they guessed about 50% will be mature enough to attempt fertilization. So shooting for 8ish embryos with 50% typically dying off over the next few days. They will call me tonight with the fertilized numbers. So we are really hoping for at least two great embryos.
The source of the sadness is H still not having a job. Nothing like having new drama to minimize old drama, because honestly I just haven't had any mental energy to care about the IVF at all and that at least, has been a great thing.
After the first IVF failed my boss called me into his office to offer his sympathy and opened up to me about the death of his 19 year old son, who was killed instantly in a car crash while serving a mission in Africa. Man that was sad stuff to even hear. And though he was really generous in comparing my plight and his, the two just aren't even in the same hemisphere of suffering. His conclusion at the end of the chat was "Trials can be awful, but after all is said and done I wouldn't trade mine for anyone's else." I thought about it for a minute and I agreed. I hate the infertility but I know it, and I have learned some things from it, and I have made a sort of peace with it. It's a familiar bag that I have gotten good at carrying.
I cannot say the same thing for the layoff. At times I feel this is eating me alive. I see no good in it. I have learned some lessons and I certainly see many things differently now, but I don't at all feel like the lessons learned outweigh the bad. My main hope is that in the future these last few months will fade to small insignificant memories. I would give this away, I would trade it away.