Sunday, October 17, 2010

Transplant day

Five eggs fertilized, but this clinic doesn't give you any status for the first three days, so we had to wait until today to hear how they were doing. We both were worried maybe all were goners, but one was looking good and the other two were so-so. The doctor surprised us by saying we should probably just implant them today. I was happy with this, because it gave me the rest of Sunday to lay around, and then I will just call in sick tomorrow to do some more moping around the house aka bedrest.
The tough part was that the doctor gave us the option to transfer all three. I guess the risk of triplets is only 3%, so H and even the doctor agreed that for them that is a tolerable risk. For me however, triplets and beyond is so scary and horrible. That 3% is higher than zero, and that makes it a no go for me. So H and I had to argue it out for a while the doctor waited in the hall. Also, I might add that the doctor said he could tolerate the risk of triplets in order to have a better success rate in light of the fact that he doesn't have a problem reducing the pregnancy. I have discovered through this process that I have no judgment whatsoever about people reducing their pregnancies, because I would really do nearly anything to not have triplets. -Except you don't do a reduction until around 12 weeks, and after struggling this long to have a baby I know I couldn't end a fetus' beating heart. Thankfully, because we were at an impass, the doctor went in to get an update on the cells, and we now had two front runners and one straggler, so I won. Just two in, and we will let the runt grow in the lab until day five to see if it is good enough to freeze.
I recounted the events to my mom and I could tell she was doing the dumb acknowledgment laugh that means she agreed with H. Look, I know it is crazy not to do whatever I can to maximize my chances for pregnancy but I am not scared of triplets because it would be hard to have three babies. The stork could drop them off on my doorstep today and I would be elated. But triplets are born 2 month early on average, and nearly all stay in the NICU for some amount of time and end up just healthy and fine. But 25% are born even earlier than that. Maybe with lifelong health problems, and I don't even want to be in the situation of thinking that it is my fault because I got greedy trying to maximize my odds of pregnancy. I feel so strongly about this it really ticks me off that my opinion isn't respected. I feel like these are the closest things I have felt to protective motherly instincts and I am going to stand by them even if it means I am won't be a mother this go around.


Jennifer said...

Dang, girl, you are brave! I say that because, in the face of doctors and family saying you need to go with it, you stood your ground, and that has to be hard. I think I would cave. I totally totally understand your point of view and respect it. Incidentally, I would not feel the same if someone dropped trips off at my door. I would sob. If I had ever seen more than one yolk sac floating around in there I would sob. I am not one of those amazing women who can handle more than one kid at a time. But I really think you are. Good luck - my prayers are with you!

Alisha said...

I think I would have caved too-- I'm way more selfish than you. But, regardless whether the decision was made for you or not, you are right about all of it. I also have no judgment with pregnancy reduction & have a friend who reduced from 7 to 3. But I would not want to be in that position. And I've had babies in the NICU with very minor issues & it about killed me. Go you. Can't wait to hear-- I'm praying as hard as I know how!

Natalee said...

All I can say is when my sister found out she was having twins she cried for two weeks, and not out of joy! I have never been in your position but it totally makes since. You are totally making the right choice. Good for you for sticking to your guns!