Sunday, November 14, 2010

And here we go...

I think I have mentioned before how the shared risk plan really takes the edge off of a failure, because you still have another chance. Well I second and third that now. We are starting again, already, with another water ultrasound on Tuesday Nov. 16th, then Lupron injections to begin shortly thereafter, everything being over by the 15th of December, and prego test before the end of the year.

I will have one more try (if I want it) after that, and then that is it.

I feel equal hope and peace about the prospects of being finished with this misery as I do about the prospect of getting pregnant. And that isn't even coming from a bitter place.

H asked why we hadn't done more praying or hoping or had more faith, and he said he thought maybe we just weren't doing enough in that department to warrant a baby. I don't feel that way at all. I know for the first IVF I was a miserable heap of terror and doubt, and weeks after it was over I thought - "I am not pregnant. And though I couldn't have done a thing to change that, I may have had more peace today if I had decided not to be so scared during the whole process." Yet I knew with compassion on myself that I had given all I could at the time. So I just let it go. And the second time I did remarkably better, but still with so much room for improvement in the faith department, and yet I know full well I was giving 100% of what I had at the time, and I feel like my meager offering was enough. The God I know does not have a baby waiting for me in heaven that will never be mine if I can't pull my act together. He knows, because I know, that I really have two more chances to have biological kids if I am to have biological kids. I know that good things are in store for me and they include children and the final end to infertility treatments.

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