I will have one more try (if I want it) after that, and then that is it.
I feel equal hope and peace about the prospects of being finished with this misery as I do about the prospect of getting pregnant. And that isn't even coming from a bitter place.
H asked why we hadn't done more praying or hoping or had more faith, and he said he thought maybe we just weren't doing enough in that department to warrant a baby. I don't feel that way at all. I know for the first IVF I was a miserable heap of terror and doubt, and weeks after it was over I thought - "I am not pregnant. And though I couldn't have done a thing to change that, I may have had more peace today if I had decided not to be so scared during the whole process." Yet I knew with compassion on myself that I had given all I could at the time. So I just let it go. And the second time I did remarkably better, but still with so much room for improvement in the faith department, and yet I know full well I was giving 100% of what I had at the time, and I feel like my meager offering was enough. The God I know does not have a baby waiting for me in heaven that will never be mine if I can't pull my act together. He knows, because I know, that I really have two more chances to have biological kids if I am to have biological kids. I know that good things are in store for me and they include children and the final end to infertility treatments.