Sunday, November 14, 2010
October 27th was the day of my second pregnancy test. They take two, two days apart, freeze the first and run them together. I was really on pins and needles just hoping that if it were a no, I would get some sign of my period before the results just so I could prep myself, like I had back in February. When you are waiting you take every little thing to be a sign - positive or negative, and it is sort of a slow torture. During my wait I had not had one single sign of a positive, nor one single sign of a period either, so the buildup to test day was huge, and I wailed but pulled myself together really quickly when I inserted my morning endometrin and discovered my period had come. I felt a lot more empowered walking into the doctor's office knowing even before they did that our team science experiment had failed. Hope still makes me feel like a chump. When the nursed asked how I was feeling about my odds, I told her "I think my period came this morning so I am not expecting a positive." She offered the fact that she sees a lot of pregnant women have periods, but that holds no meaning until you discover you are one of those woman, so we thanked everyone and left. I felt so good that I had kept things together, showing some control over at least one element of myself on a day where I may have had an excuse to let it all go. I got the negative over the phone while I was at work, drove home, and spent the afternoon and evening lying in bed with H. There is indescribable comfort in knowing at least one other person on earth knows that awful state of sad/numb. H's brother called with news that a new little niece had been born, and hearing H sincerely and kindly share in their joy made me want to evacuate my pained body, but kept me planted right here because now I had yet another reason to love him like I do.