This is not some lovely, well thought out post. Just the ramblings of someone with a brain full of unfinished thoughts. I am naturally a very spiritual person and that colors the way I look at life and my experiences. I love to pray and am so grateful I have that outlet to express my daily joys, happiness, sadness, frustrations, really almost anything. Something that is becoming a deeper mystery to me as life goes on is faith. How does it really work? I believe that real faith is a belief in something bigger and grander than yourself that serves as an anchor in life. For me, I believe in God and Jesus. I love them, and have had some sweet experiences that have convinced me that they love me, and I have had even better experiences that have convinced me of how much they love others. So that FAITH (the kind in capital letters) comes easy to me, and is not very mysterious. The other kind of faith, faith to make things happen...I don't get it. I may have the concept wrong altogether. I already mentioned that in relation to my infertility and treatments I feel I have used every possible algorithm of faith, and I don't feel like the outcome has ever been contingent on my "positivity" or belief of outcomes, or prayers. Incidentally, I do not believe positivity is the same thing as faith and I hate when they are used interchangeably. So seriously, what is my problem? Why am I not able to strong-arm an outcome with my tremendous faith (AKA hope)? One little thought I had was regarding the bible verse that says that faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain. I feel like I have had mustard seed sized faith - so why can that move a mountain but not make me get pregnant? The thought I had was that one does not have faith in her ability to move mountains, or part the red sea. One just possesses faith in God - and he moves that mountain. So maybe there really aren't two kinds of faith. Maybe faith to have a baby isn't actually a real thing. It is just a hope. Maybe there is just one kind of faith, and my desire to force outcomes with what I am labeling "faith" is really a lack of it. But then how do I reconcile that I have been taught to pray for every good thing I want. And I believe I have even been told that this can affect outcomes. I am so confused. Really, really.
This faith confusion is exacerbated by the fact that we are also suffering because my husband works for one really bad dude. Cruel. Dishonest. Dastardly. We have been praying/begging for a new job for almost two years now, and though I am trying so hard to be thankful for ANY employment, and also trying to practice patience, the cumulative affect of the infertility set-backs and the job drama that I am totally understating have caused me to really want some relief. Now please. Thanks. Again, am I focusing too much of my efforts on an outcome? Again, I feel we have tried so many different variations of "help us endure this better" "help us get tougher" "help things get better" "help us get the H out".
I will say that when the chips are down, and I remember to pray for some relief, I have always gotten it. Always. For me that wonderful comfort is so real and so surprisingly immediate at times. I am just so down and so tired of this and feel if the real key to my own relief is having some personal epiphany than I am in big trouble because my confused mind feels closer crazy than to some gem of truth that will magically deliver me from these problems.