I am headed in to have a water ultrasound and receive my calendar for my 5th fresh IVF today (plus two FETs = 7).
I began my subconscious, yet ritualistic reading of fertility blogs yesterday, the re-hashing of past woes, and my assessment of both my mental state and outcome probabilities.
All of this mental preparation is in hopes of having a smoother ride each time I do a round. The reading (crying) over blogs yesterday was in hopes of getting the sadness out of my system prior to my calendar meeting. I've had epic weep-fests in front of the nurse at the last two. At the others I at least made it into the car before catastrophic meltdown commenced. Strangely, these meetings (which often don't even involve shots or medical evaluations) are the toughest I face in each cycle. There comes a point each time as I contemplate my new calendar where the grief surges up from my stomach to my throat and nearly chokes me - I am not being metaphorical here. This really happens. I think my body physically attempts to vomit out the pain.
This appointment is the hardest because I am acutely reminded of how terrible this really is, and as I sit in a shell-shocked state the little voice inside me screams "Why are you doing this again!"
I'll have to mentally rattle off as many answers as I can to that question over the next few hours. For now, the quick answer is I am hoping seven will be my lucky number.