Saturday, July 19, 2008

Who am I?

My dad says people change every seven years. I believed that was possible, even for me, but never considered it could be for the worse. What am I becoming?

Talking to my mom today I mentioned some church event I am dreading that will interfere with possible vacation opportunity. I have a really bad attitude about this particular "service opportunity" and in response my mom said, "well maybe you will get extra blessings for this". I replied, "yeah, I always do" because I really always am blessed about a hundred Atimes over for any small effort I begrudgingly make. Without exception. But Mom replied "Yes, but maybe you will get the blessing I am hoping for" I changed the subject. I have to be in complete control of the timing of baby talk with my mom. Her comment was sweet, genuine, and completely non-buggy, but I didn't want to push my luck. Actually, during said phone call I was on a spur of the moment beautiful drive in the canyon with my hubby, wasting time before going to a spur of the moment movie. Let's not be unrealistic here; my childless life is good. And that (at least consciously) was what I was really thinking at the close of that conversation.

Clearly though, based on the fact that it is past midnight, and I am needing so much self therapy, and nothing would feel better than being cruel and insensitive to every fertile person who has accidentally said something remotely dicey in my presence within the last three months (I have total recall when I am in a mood), I have been affected. I get irritated when people project baby longing onto me, yet obviously, based on how frequently out of sorts I am, they are probably right. Ugh. Why am I in such deep denial? Why did I feel nothing during the blessings conversation, yet come home and flip out about three completely un-baby related topics? Why can't I just feel and admit sadness. Why do I filter everything through robot coolness mode, then anger, then confusion, then confusing melancholy?


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