Deal Breakers

I don't think I believe in unconditional love for a spouse. Children definitely, spouse no. I have always conceived of certain deal breakers in a marriage. However, the longer I am married the more I reconsider items I formerly labeled absolute deal-breakers. Fortunately I have only had to think about this in the abstract. At least on my end.

So it was a real shocker when H told me his.

The only recurring struggle in my marriage is the children issue. The only really gruesome, painful arguments are not about whether to have children, how many to adopt, etc. They are about HOW to have children. At my darkest points I wonder why two people were put together in such a fun happy marriage only to differ on such a major issue. At my darkest moments I wonder why I didn't marry the man who also dreamed moving to Africa and joining the peace corp, or who also has a passion for social work and a mission to help hurt children. At my darkest moments I am ready to find that man. But then I am gently reminded that the man I have is good, and the marriage I have is also good, good I owe in part to the fact that we rely so much on each other to get through the bad that only we alone know.

So H has told me that if I am not willing to at least try to have a biological child via IVF, it will be a deal breaker. I am hoping this was a threat only issued at his darkest moments. I actually understand where he is coming from, and his reasons. But to have the concrete ultimatum still hurts.

What a boob

I have occasional throbbing pain in my right breast toward my armpit area. Occasional is probably even an overstatement because it will go away for months at a time, allowing me to forget it even happened. - Until it happens again and I feel like an idiot for never seeing a doc in the first place. I am the type that jumps to the worst conclusion for any minor malady. Last year I had a paper cut that healed too slowly and I went to be tested for diabetes because my self afflicted WebMD diagnosis was very convincing. Actual diagnosis: I am not diabetic, but I probably need a hobby to distract me from paper cuts. So basically, yes I do care about my health, but I have a tendency to over-obsess and I am more afraid of seeming hypochondriac than anything else. So apparently my mode is simply ignore possibly important body signals. Oh, and did I mention that I also have a breast lump in that same area? I am making myself sound even more stupid now. But the excuse is that I actually was seen for that same lump in the same area five years ago, and my excellent lady doc didn't feel what I was feeling. And hey, it has been four years without incident. Also, since I cannot even find the dang lump consistently, I assume it will be fruitless to let the doc check it out. And ironically, when I saw my handsome/maddening new gyno for the endo related stuff, the first time he layed a hand on that exact spot he looked alarmed and said "Are you aware you have a breast lump" and I saw my life flashed before my eyes, and then he squooshed my other melon and said "oh no, you just have dense breasts." Phew. Oh yeah, and I have even enlisted H in the inspections and on the rare occasion we have felt the lump, (and my life flashed before my eyes again) we then found the exact same lump on the other side, making me again feel like a fool again. So bottom line, I will go to the doctor soon. Even if the pain goes away. Even if I feel like a fool.

Long time no post

I have been mentally blogging, but honestly I have been so happily busy I haven't wanted to actually log on and type. I don't know how many words per minute I type, but it is some really slow number. I think I would be better suited to the days of butter churning, but I am sure I wouldn't have understood that new-fangled technology either.
The happily busy part simply comes from simply being busy. Spring/summer are here, and I have attempted a small but hopefully not overwhelming garden, (trying so hard not to do my normal overkill on the idea of a new hobby and burn out before I even start.) So now I can come home, weed, watch my little plants progress, and mow the lawn and make small efforts to tame the wild thing I call a yard. I have grass that I can walk in bear-foot! No fire ants. Beautiful black dirt to grow things, ahhhh. Yard work in great weather is my small plot of heaven on earth. And I now realize I just had way too much time on my hands during winter to think about myself - Not healthy. I have some good months ahead before winter hits, but I would love to hear what you would do if you had the time before kids back to yourself.