It's on

I am in a hurry to see if IVF would actually work, so I can be definitely pregnant or not. We were planning to go to the Czech Republic in May, but that seems like a dreadfully long time to wait, especially considering the fact that I have fallen for some teenagers in Texas and we are very interested in them. I am pretty sure that you can't adopt from foster care within a year of a "life changing event" - meaning the birth of a baby, which I simultaneously see the wisdom in, and yet really resent. I just vaguely remember this rule, so I don't know that it is cold hard fact, but it does weigh on my mind. The last time I checked with my licensing coordinator he basically told me to not hope for news about the background checks until mid January. I am trying to be patient. I cannot even inquire about these kids without an adoption license from my state. Optimistically, that will be months away. So in the mean time I check the kids' listing every single day in hopes of maybe seeing updated photos or to see that their bio has been pulled - meaning they are likely in the process of being adopted by someone other than me. I would be a little heart broken by that, but only a little because I have been praying everyday for months and months that someone perfect would have the courage and ability to adopt these kids, and if that person isn't out there, that I could be able to at least put in an official inquiry. The oldest sibling will be 17 in January. That means he only has one year before aging out. Teenagers have a lot of say (at least I have been told they do) in the adoption process, so I feel really good knowing that essentially, I will put in an offer, and the kids will get to be picky about me. I want them to be. Life has handed them a crap deck of cards - they should get to be picky about something in their life for once. And I don't have a clue if H and I and moving far away to a cold place would be good for them, but I feel so strongly that they should at least know that there was a crazy young lady in Utah who dreamed of them, and thought they were the most beautiful faces she had ever seen.

I think everyone has their favorite passion in life. The thing that if we had unlimited time and resources we would give to freely. For some it's animals, for some it's children in Africa. For some it's caring for the elderly. You name a cause and there is a heart that beats for it. My heart feels so big for these kids and just dies to think of how many great kids age out of foster care. I didn't need my parents very much when I was a teen, but man do I need them now. Years ago we watched a movie in our foster training classes in Texas where adults who had grown up in foster care talked about their experiences. A handsome grown man talked about his experience in care as being mostly positive and all he had achieved on his own since aging out but became very emotional when he said "I was rough around the edges, but I was a good kid. Why didn't anyone want me? I would have been such a good son." I have thought about that so much. When I proposed the idea of these specific kids to H, his first thought was of his fears that older kids don't have as much time to bond with you since they are in your home for a shorter time, but then he said how he remembered the man from that movie, and how it probably does mean so much to simply be wanted.

So yeah. This was a post meant to announce that I am starting IVF very soon - Lupron injections begin on the 17th of January, with a prego test the first week of March if all goes well.
I have been really angry about being forced to do IVF and have repeatedly felt the need to make my opposition to the whole thing known. But under the anger, I know that a wonderful human could actually result from this, and my very trying means the world to my husband, and in the end the only value money has is in how it is used. So somehow burried in my rage I have found a tiny bit of hope. And straight from heaven has come a peaceful feeling and a whisper of "You can do this. You will be OK" And believing that has made all the difference this week.