Strangely, this ungracious, dank place has led me to some deep thinking about what other situations create terrible lonely holes for the women I know. I cry and occasionally feel so much pain because of the death of my embryos, which is compounded in my sick head by the fact that no one but me would consider that a significant or true loss and how angry I am that no one thinks to send flowers. (This to be expected from a family that did not even offer condolences, nor send flowers to our mutual brother in law when his father died unexpectedly of a heart attack, is truly proof that I am being unrealistic right now - pack of selfish heathens. And YES, I am in a very ugly place right now, and yes I will be deleting this last part as soon as I regain control of my beating heart and brain)
You know who else never gets flowers? People who go through divorces. And I am only starting to scratch the surface in understanding how terrible and awful that pain is. I am thinking of my really nice, really awesome neighbor who I barely talk to and who I have awkwardly skirted around the issue of her husband leaving. The few things I have said have likely been inadequate or maybe even unintentionally hurtful. Truthfully, I have just been way too wrapped up in my own life and business and stew to acknowledge hers. And maybe that would actually be a kind thing to do. Literally the least I could do. As I was lying in bed simmering, I knew she very well could have be doing the exact same thing. Feeling so lonely and unrecognized and horribly sad. And I felt so driven to use this crap for some greater good. To not let it eat my soul. To let it deepen my sympathy, and more importantly, my awareness of others.
Have any of you had need for this kind of horrendous pity party? I would love to hear about your reasons. I really don't want to miss one more invisible invitation to anyone's.