Party time.

I have to admit I have been in such a place of self pity lately. Getting the word that we are not eligible for our clinic's new money back program is confirmation that the doctors who know our case the best, and were still offering platitudes of hope do not think that we are a good bet. Every little morsel of bad news seems to compound my feeling of loss and deepen my pathetic need for some recognition and a good pity party. I just feel so alone. I do not know that this is actually true right now, but my brain is telling me that the rest of the world has moved on, and that my family members, who were informed of the IVF and the failure, did not give me what I needed or wanted, because they can't read my mind and are unwilling or too uncomfortable to ask. They either think it isn't a big deal, or they just don't think of it at all and it is nearly killing me.

Strangely, this ungracious, dank place has led me to some deep thinking about what other situations create terrible lonely holes for the women I know. I cry and occasionally feel so much pain because of the death of my embryos, which is compounded in my sick head by the fact that no one but me would consider that a significant or true loss and how angry I am that no one thinks to send flowers. (This to be expected from a family that did not even offer condolences, nor send flowers to our mutual brother in law when his father died unexpectedly of a heart attack, is truly proof that I am being unrealistic right now - pack of selfish heathens. And YES, I am in a very ugly place right now, and yes I will be deleting this last part as soon as I regain control of my beating heart and brain)

You know who else never gets flowers? People who go through divorces. And I am only starting to scratch the surface in understanding how terrible and awful that pain is. I am thinking of my really nice, really awesome neighbor who I barely talk to and who I have awkwardly skirted around the issue of her husband leaving. The few things I have said have likely been inadequate or maybe even unintentionally hurtful. Truthfully, I have just been way too wrapped up in my own life and business and stew to acknowledge hers. And maybe that would actually be a kind thing to do. Literally the least I could do. As I was lying in bed simmering, I knew she very well could have be doing the exact same thing. Feeling so lonely and unrecognized and horribly sad. And I felt so driven to use this crap for some greater good. To not let it eat my soul. To let it deepen my sympathy, and more importantly, my awareness of others.

Have any of you had need for this kind of horrendous pity party? I would love to hear about your reasons. I really don't want to miss one more invisible invitation to anyone's.