Back to the drawing board

I am so lost right now. I always have a game plan, and a back-up plan, and a sense of where I am ultimately headed, but not right now.

I woke up several weeks ago with something that I lost a few years ago: a biological drive. I literally woke up, and stayed in bed for the first time in years thinking "I wonder what a daughter would look like? I REALLY want to know. I think I should try to get the hypothetical daughter here". And there it was - the urgency to try again. And again and again if necessary. Without warning I have morphed into the genetically desperate woman I never thought I would be.

So a few obstacles still stand in my way, such as same bad eggs, poor embryos, sticky ovary, and ultimately, where to get the moola.

Two months after my IVF a money-back program was instituted. Hindsight can make you crazy. Basically if I had waited until after April, I could have been in the money back program, and though I still would have likely endured a BFN, I would have about a $9000 refund to wipe my tears. I don't like people who say money doesn't matter (in this case my husband who I proceeded to lecture on the economics of having a baby.) Yes, fools of the world, money actually does matter a lot. Because guess what? If you blow it all on a poor attempt - you have nothing to spend on a second attempt. I was a lot more eloquent and passionate and crabby, but everyone gets the gist. Can money buy you happiness - not exactly, but I have yet to figure out a free way to bring humans into this world, and until that happens, I will care a lot about the $$. If you disagree with me, please put your money where you mouth is. I will send you my address.

So back to the drawing board for me. I have had a consultation with a couple other clinics and doctors in my area, I have applied for the money back program and was denied, (now I have a black mark in my history), I have been checking out foreign travel options, and other spots in the US. Nothing feels good. It's all very costly and no one option is a clear winner. I wonder if I am just running away from the good feeling I had about fostering due to my fear of fostering.