Sunday, April 19, 2009


I am feeling angry and small and petty right now.

My bro in law asked us when we are having a baby.

"I don't know bro who hardly knows anything about me, why don't you tell me, because at this point maybe you do know something I don't. Does anyone ever really know when they are going to have a baby? Sort of an odd question from someone who knows how long I have been trying. I would have predicted last month, when the chlomid made the endo feel like it was growing up and through my ribcage. I really felt like that warranted a baby, but again, I was wrong.

Oh, or was the question a thinly veiled judgement about why we haven't done more to make this thing happen. You looked quite shocked when I told you we were in fact seeing the doctor at the same clinic your friends who went through infertility and is now cured by a bouncy baby boy.

Let me just lay it all on the line for you bro in law. If I am to be judged I want it to be on the whole story. None of this is for the benefit of my kind readers, because they are non-judgey and well, kind.

What the hell have I been up to for the last 4.5 years?

Year one. Try. You are officially infertile after 12 mos of trying to no avail, so I waited the full 12, just so the reproductive endocrinologist wouldn't blow me off. I also began charting and ovulation tracking after about 5 mos - Also so the RE wouldn't blow me off.

Year Two: Get tested. Full blood work-up for H and myself, along with a semen analysis and a hydrosalpingogram (dye injection into tubes to verify whether they are clear). We find out we are both fine, but H does have bad sperm morphology (shape). We are told by two seperate RE's that this does not explain our infertility, it is just another strike against it. I go on Chlomid for a total of 7 mos. 1 with a failed attempt because I had too large of cysts on my ovaries. We also did two inter uterine inseminations IUI's. Spent about 4K on IF stuff.

Year Three. Officially switch to different RE who has better IVF success rates. Will need to be retested on everything prior to IVF. In contemplation of moving out of state, we do nothing this year, other than get tested for pre-diabetes, or PCOS possibilities (Negative btw). Still somehow managed to rack up nearly 2K in doc bills for basically nothing.

Year Four. Start seeing a therapist for marital and personal problems related to infertility. Find a new OBGYN. Schedule and have my endo surgery, because I suspect there has to be something more to my unexplained state. I am correct. I have endometriosis that so bad I ought to have a hysterectomy right now, but I still want to keep my scarred parts - just in case, you know. Get a new RE. Get a new semen analysis: This time everything is hunky-dory. Go back on Chlomid. Schedule some more IUI's this summer. Total spent so far in year four: about 4K. The endo clean out gave us a reason to start back at square one. So four years later here I am sitting on square one.

So there you are judgy bro in law. I know where you are coming from. I was the girl who vowed after year one that I wouldn't be one of those who got distracted by wordly things and and took forever to have a baby. Is four years forever? As I type this up it sort of feels that way.


Jennifer said...

I know a guy who knows a guy... just saying, if you want this bro taken care of...

Natalee said...

It is so obvious you are doing everything you can and making huge sacrifices to do it. He has no idea what he is talking about.

Liz said...

I just can't understand people who say things like that. How can they be so flippant, or maybe even more like deliberatley hurtful, about things so personal and pain so esquisite. Pain, I might add, that isn't their pain, buy yours. It has to come from a place of pure ingnorance. We really should feel sorry for people when they are coming from this ignorant place. But I'm sorry, my friend, my sympathy is only for you. Love you.

Court said...

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings, N. I've had that same experience with well-meaning inquirers and sometimes just from nosie-nancies who really ought to have the social skills to know that is the type of question they should not be asking. Most folks don't realize the well of emotion hidden just beneath the surface. We know you're doing your best. Love to you.

Carrie said...

Hi, I am the sister of one of your commenters (Hey Court.) I hope it doesn't totally freak you out that I am commenting on your blog...I came across it when I was staying at her house a little while ago. Anyway, reading your blog is pretty much a (funnier version) summary of the five years I spent trying to get pregnant. All of it--the charting, the stage iv endo, the morphology (only to do another test to say it is fine), the IUI's, the months of clomid, the cysts, the being totally irritated at people's ignorance and stupidity, moving, switching doctors over and over, the wondering and waiting, and the hardest part...the hoping. It is exhausting. Just wanted to say good luck and hang in there.