Gloom

I'm thankful for previous posts. The dark gloom of IVF has settled in and I can't even remember that I ever felt positive about it. That lonely blog post of last month is my only proof. Glad I a least have that.

I spent last week rounding up new blood tests (they have to be no more than six months old), and then went to an IVF consultation appointment with my doctor here. We signed in, then the lady behind the desk cheerfully asked us for $395. Mother Effer it was a great blessing I don't carry a weapon. Never in my life have I fought so hard to keep a calm, sane exterior. H told me later he almost lost it too, and that made me feel better. Nothing makes you feel homicidal like paying $400 for the priviledge of speaking to a doctor who you are about to pay $14k for a one time shot at getting knocked up. I guess that pricey consultation also included the news that my doc recommends I get some other uterus test before they feel comfortable proceeding to take my $14k. It will only cost $700 and how convenient! they can do it right in there office. Bastards.

I know I sound obnoxiously glum. I am glum. Despite the gloom, the appointment truly did go well. So well that H was truly confused that I cried a little on the drive home, took a bath and went to bed at 7:30pm. I just wanted that day to be over so badly. Sleep was the best remedy I had. H was worried so wanted to talk a bit which turned into some kind of dysfunctional therapy session which really served only to make me want to sleep for the rest of my life. I was able to express to H that I feel blackmailed into doing this because I love him and know refusing to do IVF would likely cause irreparable harm to H and my marriage. He comforted me but never refuted those facts. We both know I am the one who has to give. He asked me why I was having a hard time since I had appeared to be doing so great at the consultation. Acting. I was acting my way through the consultation and plan on acting my way through this whole thing. I will play the character of hopeful lady. Every woman I know knows how to fake her way through lifes shit. Do men really not do this? I also was able to make it perfectly clear to him that though I genuinely hope to have a new and improved attitude about IVF, I can't guarantee anything remotely rosey, and if the procedure fails, it is in no way due to my bad 'tude. He told me that was ok as he does not believe in that hocus pocus. So good to hear. That was the best I felt all day.

It might be therapeutic to blog about WHY I am being all Eyore about IVF. There really are women out there who are so happy and grateful to have this as an option. There are women who want this so badly, and have to cajole their reluctant husbands into it. What's my deal? Adoption is a happy, viable option to me. It is the beautiful wonderful alternative that I wanted long before I was even married. H loves the adoption idea too, but I don't think he would have considered it if we were able to easily have biological children. The infertility stuff has hurt beyond my worst nightmare. I'm done. I want to move on down a happier path, but H needs the closer of IVF. I just pray so hard that we really get the baby we seek or the closure he needs to move forward.