Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Random thoughts..

I find it very cool that infertility has forced H and I outside of the box when we think about family building. We are not limited by age, or gender, or race. We will just do what feels right when it feels right. It is a realistic possibility that my first child could be a teenager. Or that none of my kids will look like me. The limitations we do have are that always looming biological clock; it will dictate when, and how we do IVF. The second limitation is financial. At this point neither of us are willing to adopt or foster a young child until we have a biological child. The leap from working to stay at home foster or adoptive mom seems really enormous, but for some reason, the leap from working to staying at home with a bio newborn seems necessity, and to adopt when I am already SAHM anyway doesn't seems like less of a leap.

I genuinely love that I can have such an open/abstract picture of family. H has really come around in the last year too. I found sweet looking sibling group of teenagers the other day, and have been imagining them in our lives. At first it is fun, and I can even mentally handle the worst case scenarios I run through in my head; the thing that always gets me is the actual logistics, the actual cost, the actual human beings behind the cute smiles. That is when I get scared and start thinking about less monumental topics, such as what to eat for dinner.

But no matter how scary, or crazy the idea is, reality is already nuts for those kids. I don't know what happened to their parents: But they are up for adoption because NO ONE, not a single relative, friend of the family, teacher, clergyman, neighbor had the guts to take them in. So the only people they have in the world are their siblings, and they can't even have that because siblings are so difficult to place. The oldest brother who is almost 16 plans to adopt his siblings when he is emancipated. It is scary how focused a 15 year old boy is on a "dream" that is a right to most.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


I am feeling angry and small and petty right now.

My bro in law asked us when we are having a baby.

"I don't know bro who hardly knows anything about me, why don't you tell me, because at this point maybe you do know something I don't. Does anyone ever really know when they are going to have a baby? Sort of an odd question from someone who knows how long I have been trying. I would have predicted last month, when the chlomid made the endo feel like it was growing up and through my ribcage. I really felt like that warranted a baby, but again, I was wrong.

Oh, or was the question a thinly veiled judgement about why we haven't done more to make this thing happen. You looked quite shocked when I told you we were in fact seeing the doctor at the same clinic your friends who went through infertility and is now cured by a bouncy baby boy.

Let me just lay it all on the line for you bro in law. If I am to be judged I want it to be on the whole story. None of this is for the benefit of my kind readers, because they are non-judgey and well, kind.

What the hell have I been up to for the last 4.5 years?

Year one. Try. You are officially infertile after 12 mos of trying to no avail, so I waited the full 12, just so the reproductive endocrinologist wouldn't blow me off. I also began charting and ovulation tracking after about 5 mos - Also so the RE wouldn't blow me off.

Year Two: Get tested. Full blood work-up for H and myself, along with a semen analysis and a hydrosalpingogram (dye injection into tubes to verify whether they are clear). We find out we are both fine, but H does have bad sperm morphology (shape). We are told by two seperate RE's that this does not explain our infertility, it is just another strike against it. I go on Chlomid for a total of 7 mos. 1 with a failed attempt because I had too large of cysts on my ovaries. We also did two inter uterine inseminations IUI's. Spent about 4K on IF stuff.

Year Three. Officially switch to different RE who has better IVF success rates. Will need to be retested on everything prior to IVF. In contemplation of moving out of state, we do nothing this year, other than get tested for pre-diabetes, or PCOS possibilities (Negative btw). Still somehow managed to rack up nearly 2K in doc bills for basically nothing.

Year Four. Start seeing a therapist for marital and personal problems related to infertility. Find a new OBGYN. Schedule and have my endo surgery, because I suspect there has to be something more to my unexplained state. I am correct. I have endometriosis that so bad I ought to have a hysterectomy right now, but I still want to keep my scarred parts - just in case, you know. Get a new RE. Get a new semen analysis: This time everything is hunky-dory. Go back on Chlomid. Schedule some more IUI's this summer. Total spent so far in year four: about 4K. The endo clean out gave us a reason to start back at square one. So four years later here I am sitting on square one.

So there you are judgy bro in law. I know where you are coming from. I was the girl who vowed after year one that I wouldn't be one of those who got distracted by wordly things and and took forever to have a baby. Is four years forever? As I type this up it sort of feels that way.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I prefer dogs

I want to give up a little secret. -Or other people's little secrets, I guess.

Those people who chose not to have kids -
And say they prefer cats
or that they want to put their career first
or that they'd rather spoil their neices and nephews,
or that they'd rather have a dog - because dogs are easier than kids...

Most of the time...

They are lying.

I believe this, because I have said similarly stupid, shallow sounding things. It is my way to quickly dismiss inquiries or judgements I don't want to to deal with.

I also believe it because I have become a confessional booth for childless people. I guess they consider me one of them.

Some friends have said those stupid shallow things because they didn't want to admit to family and friends that their marriage was falling apart.

Another said those stupid things because she didn't want to go into the issue that she wanted a baby, but feared that her husband with debilitating A.D.D. might not get a job, when and if he finished school.

Another older, rich and fab coworker who says those stupid things anytime ANYONE mutters something about kids admitted how she struggled with the decision of whether to have kids, decided not too, and was nearly crushed with sadness and jealousy when her stepdaughter had a baby. She loved her little grandbaby, and still beats herself up about her decision.

Sometimes shallowness masks things that go deep.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Charter - redo

There are roles we all play in our marriages. According to H mine is the irresponsible flake. I take advantage of this label often i.e. I like that H thinks I am too big of a screw-up to be trusted with bill paying. Other than that, I get sick of the bad rap.

Because I temporarily lost my endo symptoms after my laparascopy, I got all official about charting again. (Temperature, symptoms, mucous, other fun stuff. ) Well, actually H got all serious about charting. (YES H, WE HAVEN'T HAD A BABY IN FOUR YEARS OF TRYING BECAUSE I HAD NOT PROPERLY SCHEDULED THE MEETING OF THE EGG IN SPERM IN MY DAY PLANNER. IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN!) Since the very thought of tracking crap again created a big heavy dread ball in my stomach, I decided to trick myself that it was going to be fun by buying a frog themed planner that even had stickers and stuff. I was ready to roll. I was ready to prove H wrong:

It lasted less than two months.

Irritatingly, H, knowing me all too well had secretly purchased his own planner, (the kind for people who will really use them apparently), and had begun tracking things on his own. Angry, I waived the flag of surrender, and appointed him as the official Charter.


Each morning I shove a thermometer in my mouth before I roll out of bed, and each morning I see him check the last read and record it in his little planner. Each night he gets out his little journal and very seriously asks me detailed questions about my pain. For the first time, I feel like I have a partner in this biz! He is so cute and serious, and even sympathetic. The other night he said "wow babe, you are in pain most days of the month". It was kind of him to notice, but I think that all people adapt to whatever their normal is. My normal is random crazy pain most days of the month. I thanked him, but told him sympathy made me sad, then I cried, then I was fine. He charted that too. I love that guy.