Monday, November 22, 2010

The Fat Pant Intervention

I haven’t written about this because it’s one of those events that are not even slightly humorous in the moment. I have gained 20lbs or so since January.

To set the scene: We are at the very end of a long day, of which we have spent at least 5 of the last 4 hours together. I am in my work clothes.

H: Babe, you don’t look comfortable. I think you need to buy new pants this weekend. I am just concerned about your comfort.

Me: (Rage and humiliation swirling in my head and heart, but trying to keep cool because I have foolishly asked for his honesty if ever an intervention such as this was needed) I am not very comfortable, does it look like I am smuggling Christmas hams in my pants?

H: Mmmm…. (biding time because he is afraid to answer)

Me: (losing it) OH MY GOSH. HOW BAD DO I LOOK? AND HOW LONG HAVE A LOOKED THIS RIDICULOUS AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME. HOW LONG!!!

H: You don’t look bad, you just don’t look very professional. I don’t really want men to see you.

Me: What the hell!

Me: (Calming down, again recalling that at some crazed point I thought marital honesty about my body was a good thing) So are you saying I look like a mall worker?

H: Yes

End scene.

Epilogue: I bought new big girl pants. Was very upset about it at first. Have now discovered that buying new, looser fitting clothing is almost as good as losing weight. I am indeed more comfortable now. And I am still married.

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Holy freaking crap I can't stop laughing!!! I would SMASH his head in, you handled it SO WELL! I, too, felt better when I finally bought me some bigger clothes. He doesn't want men to see you? THAT IS HILARIOUS! Oh my gosh, marital honesty is a double-edged sword, ain't it?

Alisha said...

BBAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

This has inspired me to also buy new big girl clothes in hopes that I will feel better than I did yesterday as the crotch of my pants kept riding up my crack all day. (TMI?)

Court said...

OH MY WORD! You and H are truly hilarious. I'm so glad you have each other. You make a really, really great team.

And I'm just catching up on your blog posts. I'm really praying this will be the season of miracles for you.

Natalee said...

Girl, I've so been there. New clothes that fit make EVERYTHING better. I'm glad you got yourself some new clothes!!

Jennifer said...

I actually thought of you on Sunday when I zipped into my new skirt that barely allows me to sit. Intervention, H! I may need it!

Alisha said...

Just read this to Sam. We love you guys.