Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I guess I am not so thrilled anymore

Ok, so my triumphant last post was a bit premature. Now I am sad. Now I have actually educated myself about endometriosis, and basically, it sucks. Now I have realized that endo doesn't just explain why I have been infertile, it IS why I am infertile.

I had a scream/cry/swear(& sound like an idiot)-fest on the drive home from a weekend get together with my family:

My well meaning mother was obnoxiously hopeful that I would get pregnant very soon, because 28 year ago my infertility stricken aunt had a laparoscopy and then had a baby shortly thereafter. -So now I would too!

This was said in response to sharing some information with my mom about our progress on our adoption homestudy.

I get absolutely no feedback regarding my adoption pursuits. None. I actually get negative responses from some people, which sends me through the roof, but NONE? Typical. That's all I can say.

The most painful part of it was this: Her fixation on the fact that having a baby will magically "heal me". I absolutely feel that I could get pregnant now. I absolutely feel that I will be a parent. I absolutely know that having a baby will be very exciting and will heal some wounds. But it won't heal them all because baby or no baby I will still be an infertile woman. In what I guess was 25 years of married life + menstruation my dear aunt had two children. TWO. And as wonderful as her life is for her, or would be for many others, hers is not the vision I have for my own. For me, her life would be an abismal defeat.

My dream is to have CHILDREN. They will come into my family at various ages, they may or may not look like me, they may have issues (who doesn't), and they may not meet the criteria of being another person's dream children. But they are the what I dream of every day.


Sarah said...

I believe that your children will be the spirits that were always meant to come to you no matter how they get to your family. Matthew is my son as much as Ike or Luke is. He doesn't look like me, I don't feel a sense of pride when it comes to his strengths or talents, he didn't get them from me.(we shouldn't feel that way about our kids anyway). But I am amazed by who he is every day and I feel so blessed that I am his mother. I wasn't his mother for the first 5 years of his life but I feel in my heart that I was foreordained to be his mother in this life and I am blessed to be sealed to him for eternity. Your children are your children even if they are already here. Heavenly Father will get them to you. I wonder if they know how lucky they are.

p.s. I'm sorry if I ever say anything that seems offensive or hurtful. I know I have not struggled in this way so my experience and understanding are limited. But I do have experience in parenting and I know a mother when I see one.

The Genetic Mule said...

Wow Sarah, I obviously am not used to checking the comments because I don't have much of a following, but if I was assured every person would say the kind, honest, tear jerking stuff you wrote, I would take this puppy public on a Super Bowl commercial. Thanks for your kind words. They were perfect.