Friday, January 30, 2009

Go Easy on Me

Despite the fact that I have a very tiny following of readers, I am still scared to put this out in the the universe. I fear the repercussions of my latest "problem". I fear alienating people. I fear being punched in the face.
So brace yourself now and forgive me later. Please?
The problem is.... I have so much free time.
And yes, I know how nuts and spoiled and oh-poor-thing that sounds.
I don't know if I have the words to describe this one, but here goes...
The last 6 months have been the first time in my life that I haven't been actively pursuing something. I have always been busy - working, studying, fixing, studying, etc. I think that I don't judge a person's worth by their accomplishments, but maybe that's how I measure myself. Here is the drill. I come home from work and do some combination of cooking, watching tv, blog reading, real reading, working out, and laying on the couch. Laying on the couch watching TV is the dominant activity. I already feel crazy having just typed that sentence. Even right now as I sit on the couch blogging, feeling crappy, I find typing out my daily routine actually sounds relaxing and wonderful. Heck, I could even throw in a bubble bath in there if I wanted. Last week I made my own homemade pita bread!
I told H my horrible problem and he didn't get it at all. I told him how I feel like I am just inventing things to kill time. That I am not actually enjoying the things I do, but desperately trying to create some enjoyment during all the hours I face each night before bed. He tried to fix my problem by listing all the unfinished projects I have around the house. He told me I should be grateful for this time because I will never have it again. And I will miss it desperately when I am a mom and I will be sad I didn't appreciate and relish all my awesome selfish time. He told me I should learn Spanish. He was right about everything, but I began to cry out of frustration because I needed him to understand, not just solve.
I am having a difficult time enjoying anything because no matter how great it is, it is just something to bide my time until I am a mom. I want to be crazy busy. I want to know what exhaustion feels like. I want to fight over homework, I want pray out of desperation on someone elses behalf. I want my life to be for someone besides me.


Anonymous said...

Last year, when we did IUI, I was working like a crazy woman and didn't stop, so I had this monstrous meltdown. We stopped the treatments, I started seeing a therapist, and, well, you get it.

I guess I have sort of the opposite 'problem' as you, since I neeed and crave time. So I've been on a leave of absence for two weeks now and will likely be until (if) baby comes.

As for myself, if I wathed TV all day, I WOULD go crazy, so I can get that. I started taking oil painting lessons last June and now that I 'have so much time' go twice a week. It helps. A lot. Oh, and i hijacked our dining room and turned it into my own sudio.

Oh, and I happen to be letting some dough for focaccia rise... at this very moment...

(Sorry for the longwindedness (longfingeredness?) of the comment, your complaint just hit home in a weird sort of way !)

Liz said...

I know whatcha mean, at least about the trying to find ways to kill time til' bed. I, though busy and fighting about HW, feel underwhelmed most of the time. I keep thinking, "There must be more than this! How can hacking away at mortality include this much of the mundane?" Sadly, I find I try to get away from my kids and blog/sleep/watch t.v/work-out, you get the idea, the majority of the time. How sad. And how ungrateful am I to be whining about being a mom? I hope you can often overlook my trivial whining. I am sometimes the "I am every woman" woman, but mostly I'm the obnoxious girl trying to make everything about me. That's just my insecurities talkin'. Same reason I DID in fact remove my bloggin' bloggin' post. I felt exposed and inferior when I read your comment. I'm sorry about that. My inferiority complex gets in the way sometimes, especially when it comes to girls as classy as you. I think the world of you and love reading your blog. I feel it is an honor to be let into parts of a struggle this personal. I learn from it and hope you will NEVER edit due to your audience. That would be a tragedy. What are friends for if you can't expose your deepest thoughts and feelings without being judged or misunderstood? Keep it coming.
Miss you.

Court said...

Hi N,

Court here. I just found your blog and it is fantastic. I love how honest you are with your feelings.

About the free time thing--maybe you'll get to all those things, maybe you won't. It's okay to be right where you are. When you are finished feeling crappy, you'll move on and you'll get to just the place you are supposed to be.

And btw, you don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks. You're doing your best.

I told Liz this one time--and I really feel this way--being honest about who you are gives other people the permission to do the same. Very liberating--and very inviting. Sharing your struggles helps other people get through their own. Even if the struggle is different, there is comradery in knowing we're all trying to endure and demonstrate love the best way we know how.

Sarah said...

I'm taking a "little break" from Heavenly Father right now b/c I feel so overwhelmed/underwhelmed at my life. I know that sentence is ridiculous but I throw tantrums like a child and I'm in the middle of one. And I'm sure Heavenly Father lovingly comforts me through it instead of telling me to knock it off and walking away like I do my kids.

Life is like that no matter what. It is our opportunity to find joy in whatever our life is right now. Every second of my day is filled up with mindnumbingly mundane tasks and yet I can't get them all done. You don't need skills or brains to do what I do and yet I don't even do it well. I'm looking around like, "This is it?! Are you freaking kidding me"?! and at the same time thinking, "This is too much!! I can't do it"!! And then, of course, I feel ungrateful for the blessings I do have and know that one day it will be gone and I will wish I would have taken advantage of it. So I just pile guilt on top of my feelings of inadequacy and discouragement.

I'm obviously ridiculous so I wouldn't pay attention to my comments anymore. They are clearly the mad rantings of a lunatic.

Natalee said...

I love your blog and I hope it is ok if I comment on it in the future. Just to warn you I am not articulate or witty and I am bound to say something that might be irritating and if so I apologize now.
Also, I really appreciate your willingness to be open and honest. It is a breath of fresh air. I agree with Court, about how sharing your struggles, even if they are different then your own can help. I know reading your blog has helped me. Thank you for that.