Saturday, January 10, 2009

Stirrup Queens

There is a great blog that is dedicated to organizing all the infertility related blogs a human could possibly read in a lifetime. It is called Stirrup Queens, and has led me to posts that have been the remedy to many lonely days.

One phenomenon that I have run into several times on the site are blog posts from previously infertile women who now have many children, who still identify with infertiles the most, but are finding they are no longer welcome in the IF circles.

Interesting...There is a true debate going on in the IF world for and against the "once an infertile, always an infertile" idea. I know where I stand right now on the subject. Right in the middle of ambivalence.

For: I want previously infertiles (PI) to be in the club because they offer a picture of hope. And if the woman is very careful, she may be able to offer up good advice and hope in a tactful way because she has experienced all the dog ways from Never Infertiles firsthand. I also feel for those with secondary infertility, and I can understand the frustration of having a baby (yeah!), but having to go back to square one if and when you want #2.

Against: I am secretly prejudiced against all PI's. I find that if an infertile gets pregnant too quickly (which I think amounts to any amount of time less than it has taken me), and they get pregnant too easily (Clomid! Are you kidding me? or Oh, you have complete insurance coverage for IVF, so you immediately moved to IVF?) then I immediately dismiss that they were ever infertile in the first place - probably just impatient. Those ho-bags. I have so much empathy for IFers in their first couple of years, because those were my toughest, yet I want to rip the IF badge they have earned right off their fruitful self the second I hear they are in the pregnancy club. They get all the glory of pregnant club and mommy club, so do they deserve to keep their membership in IF club?


Sarah said...

This is where I think stuff gets tricky. Labels make things difficult. Because I had 4 healthy children before 2 miscarriages, did that make my miscarriages less painful or difficult? If I had lost the baby at 26 weeks instead of 16 weeks would that have been more of a tragedy? If I actually had a baby to bury, would people recognize my loss more readily? Because I had a healthy baby after those 2 miscarriages does that somehow lessen the pain I felt then, or negate the experience I had? I can only speak from my experiences as can everyone else. What kind of place would the world be if we could only tolerate and learn from those who have experienced the exact same things we have.

Regardless of what I THINK, I still FEEL the way you are describing. When someone who is thinner than me is talking about their weight, I too, think they are a ho bag.

The Genetic Mule said...

No kidding this is where things get tricky. There is no way to compare grief and life experiences and trials. I know I am being small and petty when I do, and I just can't stop. In those moments it is both how I THINK and how I FEEL. Why do I feel like people need to "earn" their way into my club via grief anyway? I wish I understood this better.
I love your words "what kind of a place would the world be if we could only tolerate and learn from those who have experienced the exact same things we have."

The Genetic Mule said...

Here is a beautiful post that served as the inspiration for mine:

eyeheartinternet said...

I've noticed that since blogging about infertility, I'll get some readers who are, supposedly, in the same boat; So I go, take a look at their blog, and they've been trying to get pregs for say, six months. So 'surprise' two months later they're with baby and here I a still blogging my guts out about this seemingly neverending struggle. (rolls eyes)

On the other hand, when a person that I know is really infertile does get pregnant I think it is the only time I can truly be happy for that person withour a pinch of bitterness. I friend, who has been trying for SEVEN YEARS recently emailed me, that kerplop, she's got a little one on the way.

It made me want to cry.... in a good way. Oh, and I ALMOST had a twinge of hope.

As for myself it's been four years, one miscarriage (three years ago) and a whole lotta misery. I can get the infertiles that don't want to identify with the regular mommy community, even after having kids. This craziness has its sick way of changing us.