Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Return of the Hulk

After a two month post-lap hiatus, my endo pain is back with a vengeance. So much so I stayed home from work and made Hubby do the same “in case something ruptured inside me and I needed someone else to drive me to the hospital”. He was happy to oblige. I told Hubby I was afraid it was cancer. It is the old familiar hot commotion feeling in the Uti, very similar to the I am going to diarrhea my guts out feeling you get before you really do diarrhea your guts out, plus the pinching - like a tiny angry lobster is stuck inside the ovary, desperate to get out, and then the random, yet chronic side pain that has led me to check the internet over 100 times to verify that the appendix truly is on the right side. It truly is on the right side. And Hubby said if it were cancer, woudn’t they have seen it during the lap?

So I am back at work today and schedule an appointment with my regular OB – who did the operation. The guy I hate, yet right before I fire him, breaks out a can of man-compassion, and with my extremely low opinion of all OBGYNs I think “am I really going to fare better?” so he is The Man.
Last visit I had a monsoon melt-down and I don’t intend on going down like that again, so I re-visit the internet halls of academia known as chat rooms to gather some ammunition. Consensus is still: “Lupron is a drug of the Devil” Wisely, I don’t make a deals with the devil (unless I absolutely have to). So though I feel responsible and guilty not following doc’s advice to go on said devil medicine for the minimum three months he advises, I really don’t dare take his advice. My RE said I will not have greater fertility after the Lupron than I have right now, so he is not a fan of the drug. Despite that, I am still conflicted, and scared the endo is growing back and hurting my lady parts, and jeapordizing my future babies, and I am to blame.

All these matters were haunting me when the parent pride parade begins right beside my cube. If you think “The Return of the Hulk” was in reference to my endo, you’d be wrong. Just wait: A coworker brings in his gorgeous two year old and so stinking cute baby to show off to his parent friends near me. Everyone (appropriately) ogles over the cute kiddos, (I gave a brief, yet genuine curtesy ogle) then they inevitably start comparing their own fruitfulness, then a coworker announces she is prego, (I knew already) then (yippee) another coworker finds out that his baby (It’s a boy! He found out today!) is due on the near the same day, then another coworker says his baby is due near the same day, then another coworker declares that we are going to be overrun by babies and starts going around cube by cube to tally the count. Before he could get to cube numero uno, my blood pressure had skyrocketed, my eyes were bulging, and I was fleeing the room in order to save the adorable kiddos from being eaten.
She’s BaaAAAACK!


Sarah said...

That SUCKS. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. My heart hurts with yours today.

Nobody said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving an encouraging comment. I hope you take your road to older child adoption someday. But I hope you get to have your baby too. They are not the same thing by any stretch.

I can relate to your struggles, as one of my best friends struggled with endo and IF for many years. Many miscarriages and no babies. She finally adopted a few years ago, and even that route was very long and hard. The girl couldn't get a break. Not long ago, after more than twenty years of trying, she gave birth to a healthy boy. No one knows how or why.

But I know how hard she took all the baby talk. She loved the babies, but it was so painful. I wish you well on your journey, wherever it takes you.