I have no explanation for what has changed in my head over the past few months, but for the first time ever I am feeling so good and positive about doing IVF. IVF has been on the docket for three or four years now, and I really resented it. Though it was always "the next step" I stayed firmly planted where I was or even would take a few steps backwards from the dreaded next step. H and I had many ugly, painful arguments over it. And now I know that all my fear and backpeddling before was because deep down, I knew I couldn't handle the loss and still be a living, sane, human. One of those three was at risk.
So I don't know how things changed, but they have and I am so, so grateful. Magically I just arrived at a place where I know that if IVF works I will be excited and life will change, and it will be strange but great. And I also know that if IVF doesn't work I can go on living and be almost the same person I was before I tried. I say almost because I am sure if it fails, it will affect me in an unpredictible way - but only to a small extent. How do humans handle loss or failure when it isn't a conscious choice, when it is just thrown at them like it so often is? Is it easier, harder, or just different? Maybe the surprise element of most tragedy doesn't allow all the introspection I have had the luxury of. Maybe it has been my overthinking that made this so tough in the first place? Or maybe it is the reason that I finally feel I can walk into this and regardless of the outcome, know with certainly that I will still be me.