Oh for the love of sleepy

I think the comments on this blog are far more entertaining than my posts. You guys are hilarious!

In answer to Melissa's question, yes I am crampy after the retrieval, but it isn't specific, really bad squeezing cramps, just the overall hot and fussy feeling in the uti that I often get before my real period comes to town. Not too bad, but definitely chill in bed with a blankie kind of cramps.

However: I will say this tiredness is getting old. Yesterday I slept all day because of the drugs with the exception of a three hour break to eat and watch Disturbia, the scariest PG-13 movie ever made. (OK no, the Skeleton Key is still tops, -thanks for the lifelong nightmares on that miss Jennifer) Not even the second scariest movie ever could stop me from having a lovely little 12 hour sleep. Breakfast this morning was too much. All that bowl to mouth spoon action required a little nap from 11 to noon. The nurse called to check-up today and said this tiredness is due to the progesterone. Apparently it mimicks pregnancy tiredness. WHAT!? Ladies with children please tell me how you adjust to constant sleepy? My eyes have been opened. How do you do it you amazing women you?

Moses, also known as Mom

Well folks. I went in for the retrieval today. It takes less than a half hour, and unfortunately I was not awake to witness the little miracle that took place. H was sitting by me as the doctor inserted the needle and camera. As she did she said "now I will start on the left and collect all the eggs I can, then I will attempt to get to the right...By golly the right ovary has moved! I will start right there." H says she was shocked and got to collecting the right side eggs ASAP as if they might vanish in front of her very eyes. (She probably didn't say "by golly", as no one has said that in decades except for in my dramatic re-telling).

So there you have it. I have 12 little eggs hopefully being courted and knocked up by sperm at this very moment. (Yes, Court I am doing ICSI). I am so happy at this outcome.

I have heard many infertiles talk about loathing their bodies and such and it always seemed like such a sad way to view things, but when my stupid ovary went into hiding, I finally got my share of irrepressible feelings of loathing and failure and guilt. I couldn't even get my bod to cooperate during the procedure meant to help it.

The embryologist will call on Sunday morning to tell us how many surviving embryos we have at that point and hopefully schedule the transfer for Monday (if it is a day three transfer) or Wednesday (if it is a day five transfer).

I called my mom to thank her for having the optimism and faith that I just couldn't muster at the time. And to everyone else who was rooting for me. Thanks just doesn't even cover it.

Now that's sassy

I just wanted to be truthful in that these butt shots are not actually in the butt. They are more in that luscious back muffin-top quadrant. Yummy.

This picture shows one of the bulls-eyes the nurse drew on me to ease H's aim.

And the picture below: I had wanted to post a pic at the time of the original post, but first had to learn how to load the pictures. I am acutely technologically impaired. Also, I was tired after taking no less than 30 shots to get just one picture of my face that i deemed OK. Call it vanity, call it insecurity. I am sure it's both. And the needle was not supposed to look like it is going up my nose. I had to drop pickiness 28 pictures in. I was just going for drama and sympathy. That is one big needle.

Time to Harvest

Well I am ripe and ready to go, so on Friday I will go in for the retrieval. I take my HCG trigger shot tonight. The nurse circled the part on my butt where it needs to go and H is ready for his debut as Nurse Nancy.

After the removal I also start having to take the progesterone shots known as PIO (progesterone in oil) Word on the street is that these are horrid - Long, fat needle, thick oily shot. The nurse says people universally complain about them until their positive pregnancy test, then suddenly people don't complain anymore. Imagine that. So I will be taking them from Friday until the pregnancy test at the first of March, and then a couple of months beyond if I have that elusive bun in the never used oven. I guess low estrogen is a common factor for miscarriage so this is the attempt to at least address that.

Now if I don't actually make at far as the implantation, I can stop the PIO. Which I guess is the silver lining on a dark cloud day. Oh, and I do actually have the option of taking vaginal suppositories three times a day! They are more expensive, and I have yet to see if they are covered by my insurance, but if day one of the shot is miserable you bet I will be doing some research. Picking one of those two poisons has been rough. Yucky yet efficient shot, or painless high maintenance vagi drama in my nasty work restroom. Yeah, the shots are on order, but verdict is still out.

Looks like I have six eggs on the left ovary available for the retrieval. There are eight on the right, but that ovary is still stuck behind my uterus, so the eggs are unlikely to be retrieved. What a bummer.

I do realize this has dramatically hurt my statistics (that was what all the wailing on Monday supposedly was addressing), but I am feeling pretty good. I just keep thinking. Just one embryo. That's all I really need. Just one good egg.

So I am not the momma salmon after all...

My appointment did not go well.

Last week the doctor looked at the crazy fuzz on the ultrasound screen and told me I had about 20 potential eggs that could mature. I am always amazed how they read those things. So today was day of reckoning numero uno. (Yes in my world there are many days of reckoning.) I was going in to see if my little follicles had mature eggs sitting in them. There was a chance the drugs could have over or under stimulated me. Too many are dangerous to your health and too few just decrease your odds of success. Well the doc counted them up and there were only ten. Which isn't terrible, just mediocre. She also informed me that due to my endometriosis my right ovary has been dislocated and is sitting behind my uterus, making it difficult or impossible to reach those eggs when they do the extraction. So basically I only have about 5 or 6 potential eggs.

Where do I begin - I guess anywhere that doesn't involve me making crazy high pitch squeeling noises as I cry would be productive. Hmmm. That doesn't leave a whole lot else. I did manage to squeek out this question: "How did I get this far into the process with nobody noticing my funked up ovary?!" Answer from doctor is that they just wouldn't have been able to see this until I got all puffed up from the drugs. My fluffy uterus and bulging eggsacs pushed things around I guess. And she said there is some chance that it could move between now and Wednesday when I go back in for another ultrasound. Well Moses parted the Sea and my mom just might move my ovary. She is dead set on making it happen between now and Wednesday so I feel like I am at least covered in the faith department there.

Doctor also mentioned that my low quantity probably isn't the fault of my drugs because endo patients just tend to not stim as well. What? Where was this disclaimer earlier on? I feel like I can handle a lot if I know the pros and the cons. But I really (naively perhaps) did not see this one coming and had actually hoped, yes HOPED that I would be the model 20 egg patient. I hate you hope. You make me look stupid.

So Doctor said that Wednesday we will see how things are progressing, and then she will have a better count of the true potential eggs. She said that less than three, they will not proceed, which is called a cancellation. 3-6, they have a serious discussion about whether it is worth proceeding -And we may be having that talk on Wednesday. H and I are both leaning toward proceeding. If I stop at this point I will be out the cost of the drugs plus a couple thousand bucks, but they will refund the rest. But I will also be at square one all over again and I don't want to go back there.

My sane side realizes it just takes one embryo to make a baby. So all I need is one good egg, that turns into one good embryo, that turns into one naughty baby. So this is not the end of the world, and I still have a chance. Sigh.

Blah

I so wish I had something funny/witty/insightful to say. But I got nuttin.

I did have a story about my husband and he just mandated I remove it. It was a little bit funny. What a joy killer.

The Arsenal

I started out with one shot of Lupron in my stomach per day. The Lupron is supposed to deaden your natural system so you can be completely controlled by the other drugs. I dreamed of being in rainstorms or showers for a few nights and would wake up realizing I had experienced my first real night sweats. Sort of fascinating, but I'm hoping those don't resurface for at least 20 more years. This week I added two more shots in the stomach; follistim and repronex. These are both to hopefully induce me to make many many eggs. At my last dr appt they told me it appeared that I have the potential to make around 20. I don't have another appt. until next Monday, at which point they will have a better idea of how I am reacting to the shots and may schedule the egg retrieval for Wednesday. It is surreal to finally be doing IVF after I had built it up and feared it so much. So far it isn't even a 10th as scary or dramatic as I imagined. Admittedly, I can imagine that this time when I pee on a stick, the stakes will be really high and there will likely be some drama then, and I also am a little worried that maybe the shots aren't doing their job and I'll just be an eggless hen. Oh yes, and my last post? Well that was pure drama. Let's blame it on the drugs.