You know when perhaps you have made a bad decision? And if someone else where to point a flaw in your thinking you would go berzerk. You know you were stupid, and can admit it to yourself, but just pray that no one else dares notice it. Because then you could level them with all your reasons you made the decision in the first place.
Cleary I have done a dumb thing. I am already armed to defend my decision.
I have picked a really stupid time to do IVF. I am already busy at work with no end in sight, just mounting stress and deadlines. I am being buried. And this is no different from last year. I just imagined that I could control and handle things better this year. Yes. I felt confident I could be more efficient and better at handling the stress of the tax season while simultaneously creating human life in a petri dish via massive doses of self injected crazy hormones. Umm. I am so glad blogs don't talk back or judge so I can just type in a defeated whisper: I am a freaking idiot. I messed up. I lost my mind. WHAT HAVE I DONE (In a wail, shaking fists at sky).
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Homestudy - The Results
Well the homestudy went great. A very nice young guy came to our house and blushed as he asked us personal questions about our religion, our views on punishment of children, our inability to have children, including whose fault it was, our childhood and family dynamics. Really you name it. It was actually kind of fun. I love when H waxes philosophical about why he is the way he is. And I guess I like when people ask me about my thoughts and opinions. Even if they are writing them down on a clipboard.
I had been told that the safety inspection was no sweat. But I sweated it anyway, and sure enough, it really was nothing to sweat. My too little fire extinguisher was deemed adequate. The inspector didn't look in my sock drawer, or say my sheets didn't match. My garage of hazards passed inspection with merely the lock on the exterior door. The only change I have to make is locking up my detergent and bleach in the laundry room. That's it.
He said I should expect to be licensed in about a month. Woohoo.
I had been told that the safety inspection was no sweat. But I sweated it anyway, and sure enough, it really was nothing to sweat. My too little fire extinguisher was deemed adequate. The inspector didn't look in my sock drawer, or say my sheets didn't match. My garage of hazards passed inspection with merely the lock on the exterior door. The only change I have to make is locking up my detergent and bleach in the laundry room. That's it.
He said I should expect to be licensed in about a month. Woohoo.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The To Do List
You know I NEVER exagerate. So the 100 items on my checklist for the homestudy on Monday? Well, maybe they are more like 5 things that feel like 100 things.
But still, here it is Thursday night and I haven't done a thing yet.
Basically, a caseworker/inspector will come to my house and make sure that I don't have any obvious safety hazards. Only certain breeds of dogs allowed, gates around swimming pools, that sort of thing.
The state requires all medicine (prescription and non prescription) and all cleaners, and all flammable material (even hairspray and stuff) to be under lock and key. They admit it is draconion, but aren't flexible on this one. I purchased the magna locks to put on several of my cupboards, but haven't installed any yet.
I also have to have a proper size fire extinguisher in the kitchen. (We bought one a few months ago, but apparently it is too small)
We have to have working fire alarms on each floor (need to test), and a carbon monoxide detector in the house (check.).
I need to put together an IKEA dresser that is currently in a thousand pieces under my bed. Been putting that one off for a while...
I need to check my first aid kits to see that they have all the essential (except actual MEDICINE, as that needs to be under lock and key - go figure) One for house, one for car. I think they are practically good to go.
The best thing is that the caseworker told me I do not need a bed and dresser at the homestudy to qualify for a child to be placed. I thought I had a major shopping trip to the furniture store ahead of me, as I am short two bed frames, one mattress and two dressers.
The worst thing is that that whole "lock and key" business applies to everything in the garage and shed as well. Can I tell you how many dangerous items are in a garage? Many. Fertilizer, gas can, paint, bug sprays, garden everything. I don't have the cash for those nice storage closets. We have been trying to find some or think of a good solution for over a year now. So I am simply going to lock the garage door (it is detached) and pray that counts.
I have a highschool classmate who just adopted two teenage foster daughters and she told me the homestudy is NOT as big of a deal as they make it out to be. I hope she is right.
We will also be interviewed together and separately to evaluate our mental fitness. They like to separate you to see if your answers jive. This part I am not so worried about. It will be interesting to see what it is like, and what sort of things they will ask. I'll keep you posted. I think after the homestudy is done, it goes to a board of review and it should be about 6 weeks for them to look it over and issue our license. Crossing fingers...
But still, here it is Thursday night and I haven't done a thing yet.
Basically, a caseworker/inspector will come to my house and make sure that I don't have any obvious safety hazards. Only certain breeds of dogs allowed, gates around swimming pools, that sort of thing.
The state requires all medicine (prescription and non prescription) and all cleaners, and all flammable material (even hairspray and stuff) to be under lock and key. They admit it is draconion, but aren't flexible on this one. I purchased the magna locks to put on several of my cupboards, but haven't installed any yet.
I also have to have a proper size fire extinguisher in the kitchen. (We bought one a few months ago, but apparently it is too small)
We have to have working fire alarms on each floor (need to test), and a carbon monoxide detector in the house (check.).
I need to put together an IKEA dresser that is currently in a thousand pieces under my bed. Been putting that one off for a while...
I need to check my first aid kits to see that they have all the essential (except actual MEDICINE, as that needs to be under lock and key - go figure) One for house, one for car. I think they are practically good to go.
The best thing is that the caseworker told me I do not need a bed and dresser at the homestudy to qualify for a child to be placed. I thought I had a major shopping trip to the furniture store ahead of me, as I am short two bed frames, one mattress and two dressers.
The worst thing is that that whole "lock and key" business applies to everything in the garage and shed as well. Can I tell you how many dangerous items are in a garage? Many. Fertilizer, gas can, paint, bug sprays, garden everything. I don't have the cash for those nice storage closets. We have been trying to find some or think of a good solution for over a year now. So I am simply going to lock the garage door (it is detached) and pray that counts.
I have a highschool classmate who just adopted two teenage foster daughters and she told me the homestudy is NOT as big of a deal as they make it out to be. I hope she is right.
We will also be interviewed together and separately to evaluate our mental fitness. They like to separate you to see if your answers jive. This part I am not so worried about. It will be interesting to see what it is like, and what sort of things they will ask. I'll keep you posted. I think after the homestudy is done, it goes to a board of review and it should be about 6 weeks for them to look it over and issue our license. Crossing fingers...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Big Day Monday!
Sometimes in life I have no idea how much I want something until I finally get it:
After about three months of waiting, hoping, emailing, ignoring, denying, and finally just praying my heart out that it could finally happen, my background checks finally came through and I will have my homestudy next MONDAY!
I can't even believe how excited I was. I thought it was just a tiny thing. Another box to check on my list. But it feels like so much more than that right now and I was so excited to receive the good news from the adoption coordinator, I had to fight not to cry. Tears of happiness! How shocking. And exciting.
And then the bummer: I told a friend about the homestudy excitement and her reaction was "cool. - So how is the IVF stuff coming?" Perhaps I was reading too much into this but I took this really hard. Like the adoption stuff is the ugly stepchild to my "real baby" aspirations.
This could have been benign, but it comes on the back of being schooled by this friend that "older kids have so much baggage. You need to take your nieces and nephews into consideration in this too." I feel anger as I type this now... Focus on happy things, focus on the homestudy, focus on the 100 things on my to do list I need to get done before Monday. Happiness is returning.
After about three months of waiting, hoping, emailing, ignoring, denying, and finally just praying my heart out that it could finally happen, my background checks finally came through and I will have my homestudy next MONDAY!
I can't even believe how excited I was. I thought it was just a tiny thing. Another box to check on my list. But it feels like so much more than that right now and I was so excited to receive the good news from the adoption coordinator, I had to fight not to cry. Tears of happiness! How shocking. And exciting.
And then the bummer: I told a friend about the homestudy excitement and her reaction was "cool. - So how is the IVF stuff coming?" Perhaps I was reading too much into this but I took this really hard. Like the adoption stuff is the ugly stepchild to my "real baby" aspirations.
This could have been benign, but it comes on the back of being schooled by this friend that "older kids have so much baggage. You need to take your nieces and nephews into consideration in this too." I feel anger as I type this now... Focus on happy things, focus on the homestudy, focus on the 100 things on my to do list I need to get done before Monday. Happiness is returning.
To the mothers:
"...now you are deep in what seems to us a peculiarly selfless service. The spiritual training of children must be that. You work for the years you will not see. You work for the Invisible all the time, but you work for the Eternal. So it is all worthwhile." Amy Carmichael
This amazing quote was pulled off of a great adoption blog i frequent. Here is the link. http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/
It's easy to hear something that strikes your fancy, but I always wonder "okay, who is this Amy Carmicheal who said this wise wonderful thing"? A tiny bit of googling led me to discover that these cool words were the tip of the iceberg. But maybe Jeffrey Dahmer said a few wise things too - this is why I check the source.
She is an Irish woman and protestant missionary who opened an orphanage in India in the early 1900s and lived and served children there for fifty five years. She authored many books. Now that is a resume to back up those awesome words. I should read some of those awesome books.
This amazing quote was pulled off of a great adoption blog i frequent. Here is the link. http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/
It's easy to hear something that strikes your fancy, but I always wonder "okay, who is this Amy Carmicheal who said this wise wonderful thing"? A tiny bit of googling led me to discover that these cool words were the tip of the iceberg. But maybe Jeffrey Dahmer said a few wise things too - this is why I check the source.
She is an Irish woman and protestant missionary who opened an orphanage in India in the early 1900s and lived and served children there for fifty five years. She authored many books. Now that is a resume to back up those awesome words. I should read some of those awesome books.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I did it!
I gave myself my first Lupron shot tonight. I just use those tiny diabetic needles and loaded the syringe myself and stuck it straight in my belly chub. It wasn't that bad at all. I feel kind of awesome now. We'll see how long that lasts:)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Shots 101
H and I went to the shot class today. I got to practice 3 out of the 5 type of shots I will be giving myself, on a cool little fake skin pad. The needles are all even tinier than I had thought. There were two other couples there plus one husband taking copious notes for his wife who had to work. That was pretty cute.
I am not sure if it is best to just politely smile at the others, and leave it at that, or attempt getting to know them. I sensed the others may have wondered the same because there were awkward polite smiles and door holding all around. I think I will run into these people over and over as we go in for check-ups, so I'll probably attempt to get the scoop. I am always really curious about what has brought others to the RE. (Also how they are paying for it? -because I am always in the market for a job with insurance that covers IVF.)
It was so wise that the nurse forwarned us we were going to feel more overwhelmed than ever after the class. She was right, but having been warned, I handled it pretty well.
While H was practicing giving a shot he pricked himself on his finger and yiped a little bit -and continued to whine about it on our way to the car. Oh so that little prick hurt? Good. "There are way more nerve endings in your fingers than your stomach," he told me.
I can't win.
I am not sure if it is best to just politely smile at the others, and leave it at that, or attempt getting to know them. I sensed the others may have wondered the same because there were awkward polite smiles and door holding all around. I think I will run into these people over and over as we go in for check-ups, so I'll probably attempt to get the scoop. I am always really curious about what has brought others to the RE. (Also how they are paying for it? -because I am always in the market for a job with insurance that covers IVF.)
It was so wise that the nurse forwarned us we were going to feel more overwhelmed than ever after the class. She was right, but having been warned, I handled it pretty well.
While H was practicing giving a shot he pricked himself on his finger and yiped a little bit -and continued to whine about it on our way to the car. Oh so that little prick hurt? Good. "There are way more nerve endings in your fingers than your stomach," he told me.
I can't win.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
We're expecting...
...a niece or a nephew. My little sister is indeed pregnant, and she did indeed heed my neurotic request to tell me first, over the phone. It was really nice of her to accomodate me. I have known since sometime before Christmas. I haven't written about it because it has taken me a while to separate my sadness from my happiness, and though she doesn't read this blog to my knowledge, I am finally grasping the concept that ugly things written are still ugly even if the person you are addressing will never know. I don't think I had a truly ugly thing to say about her or her baby, but my mind was in such a dark place I feared what would come out of my mouth.
My sis certainly deserves better than that. So I waited. And now I am OK with talking about it. I had anticipated having a hard time with the news, but didn't really know the large and unexplainable slump and stupor it would put me in to.
She made up T shirts to surprise the family on Christmas day. I was so eternally grateful I couldn't be there for Christmas. I would have lost something important if I had been there that day. I am not sure what exactly, but it felt critical during that slump to not allow myself to lose anything. Tact and sanity included.
My sis certainly deserves better than that. So I waited. And now I am OK with talking about it. I had anticipated having a hard time with the news, but didn't really know the large and unexplainable slump and stupor it would put me in to.
She made up T shirts to surprise the family on Christmas day. I was so eternally grateful I couldn't be there for Christmas. I would have lost something important if I had been there that day. I am not sure what exactly, but it felt critical during that slump to not allow myself to lose anything. Tact and sanity included.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Pinch Me!
I had my sonohistogram done today. Man that was a whole lot of hype for nuthin'. My last ultrasound took longer than that little puppy. This took less than 10 minutes. Which makes the $700 price tag all the more ubsurd. BUT WAIT. This time I walked into the clinic and the girl at the front desk said "Unfortunately, we consider this a treatment with a specialist so your copay will be $50 instead of $25." "You mean instead of $700", I thought. "Yes, how unfortunate!" I handed over that insurance card and signed that slip as fast as my happy little hand could. I feel like I have committed a slightly devious act on that one - something costing LESS than anticipated. My insurance COVERING a procedure. Somebody pinch me. Oh wait, somebody did. That was the only bad part of the procedure: I digress:
This was a vaginal ultrasound and the doc lubed up the wand and then asked me if I wanted to "do the insertion". MYSELF?! Do people do that? Are they required to ask that now? I said "NO WAY". What the crap was that? I haven't ever been asked if I want to do my own laymans insertion. I would be way embarrassed to be all up in stirrups and then do my own "insertion". Call me old fashioned, but I just like to lie there with with my toes clenched and my thumbnail digging into my palm as a pain distractor and allow the doctor to insert wands into me. Some things need not ever be self service in my book. So right after I say the "NO WAY" that was thick with "Are you insane man!", the doc proceeds to wand me and essentially inserts the wand and jabs it all around like a five year old pretending to be Harry Potter. Too much wand action man!!! I screamed and crab crawled my naked but up bed. I really alarmed the doctor and he apologized profusely. I explained I had endometriosis (and that felt like a lobster was taking out his bad day on the inside of my rectum). I don't understand what's up with that, but it just is. He immediately saw the endo spots on my ovaries (which are not that bad), so he bought my whole crawling up the walls act, and proceeded with great care and apologies. It made me really wonder if my sex life truly sucks because apparently Dr. Potter does the bopping wand magic with all his other ladies and my reaction was the anomaly.?. Strange. But I guess we all just got to live by our own version of normal. - Except when my insurance actually covers stuff. That is abnormal. And I will live by that too.
This was a vaginal ultrasound and the doc lubed up the wand and then asked me if I wanted to "do the insertion". MYSELF?! Do people do that? Are they required to ask that now? I said "NO WAY". What the crap was that? I haven't ever been asked if I want to do my own laymans insertion. I would be way embarrassed to be all up in stirrups and then do my own "insertion". Call me old fashioned, but I just like to lie there with with my toes clenched and my thumbnail digging into my palm as a pain distractor and allow the doctor to insert wands into me. Some things need not ever be self service in my book. So right after I say the "NO WAY" that was thick with "Are you insane man!", the doc proceeds to wand me and essentially inserts the wand and jabs it all around like a five year old pretending to be Harry Potter. Too much wand action man!!! I screamed and crab crawled my naked but up bed. I really alarmed the doctor and he apologized profusely. I explained I had endometriosis (and that felt like a lobster was taking out his bad day on the inside of my rectum). I don't understand what's up with that, but it just is. He immediately saw the endo spots on my ovaries (which are not that bad), so he bought my whole crawling up the walls act, and proceeded with great care and apologies. It made me really wonder if my sex life truly sucks because apparently Dr. Potter does the bopping wand magic with all his other ladies and my reaction was the anomaly.?. Strange. But I guess we all just got to live by our own version of normal. - Except when my insurance actually covers stuff. That is abnormal. And I will live by that too.
Friday, January 1, 2010
I heart the internets
Good ol You Tube is a gold-mine of IVF injection wisdom. I am so thankful for all the great little tip videos of first timers shooting up. I think seeing all these cool chicas so nervous, and yet just powering through the needle fear has been really inpirational to me. As I was watching video after video, I had the volume pumped up so H could hear the terror and sometimes the screams. I was going for as much sympathy from him as possible, but that little plan backfired, because almost universally, the women would say in conclusion "Oh, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be". Here's hoping they are right.
Staying here
I started sensing some reservations from H whenever I talked about doing IVF in Czech. He started trying to convince me that all the hoopla of flying over there and arranging everything would actually be more stressful. I doubt that. The cost of the the whole IVF trip to Czech probably would have turned out to be anywhere from 2 to 5K cheaper than doing here in the states, but that cost is almost recouped by the fact that we will now not have to take two weeks off work to go on the trip. But the rub on that is - I would really want to take a couple weeks off to go to Europe any old time anyway.
So due to the fact that we can't take time off work until after May, and that I am wanting to get this show on the road ASAP so I can start figuring out my adoption possibilities, doing it here ended up being the best choice.
There are a few more ironies. Because H doesn't get as informed about the IVF process as I would like, he was under the impression that we would get safer or better service here. He seemed a little shocked that even here in the States, paying the big bucks, our meds will still just be shipped to our house and I am basically on my own with those. I will get a little "how to give yourself injections" class from the nurses at the clinic. Also, our fabulous doctor who made us feel all warm and fuzzy about doing the in vitro here locally doesn't actually do a dang thing in my treatment. I will have a different doc do my sonohistogram, another do the egg retrieval and yet another doing the transfer. I knew this is how a lot of places operate, but they definitely didn't inform us of this when they were making their sales pitch. I think it always safest to assume that all doctors and clinics are jerks who deliver no service and then allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised when you actually have one of those elusive good medical moments.
So due to the fact that we can't take time off work until after May, and that I am wanting to get this show on the road ASAP so I can start figuring out my adoption possibilities, doing it here ended up being the best choice.
There are a few more ironies. Because H doesn't get as informed about the IVF process as I would like, he was under the impression that we would get safer or better service here. He seemed a little shocked that even here in the States, paying the big bucks, our meds will still just be shipped to our house and I am basically on my own with those. I will get a little "how to give yourself injections" class from the nurses at the clinic. Also, our fabulous doctor who made us feel all warm and fuzzy about doing the in vitro here locally doesn't actually do a dang thing in my treatment. I will have a different doc do my sonohistogram, another do the egg retrieval and yet another doing the transfer. I knew this is how a lot of places operate, but they definitely didn't inform us of this when they were making their sales pitch. I think it always safest to assume that all doctors and clinics are jerks who deliver no service and then allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised when you actually have one of those elusive good medical moments.
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