Sunday, February 21, 2010

I'm so happy for you!

My church friend who has been really fervently trying to get pregnant for two or three years now (the one i was going to do IVF in Czech with) emailed me and some others who knew of her plight, that she is pregnant. (She moved away a few months ago) My next sentence would customarily be "and I am so happy for her". But I feel that it is stupid that I feel I have to add that. Of course i am happy for her, who wouldn't be? But I say it over and over, or OVER emphasize it as it to assure not only my happiness for her, but that her news hasn't hurt me and I am un-phased by it. Which is just a big luscious lie. There is no way an infertile exits the fruitless world without really stupefying the ones still on the barren rock. And it happens to us all.

In college my husband and I spent a summer term in Guanajuato, Mexico. It was lovely and safe town, but still had its share of extreme haves and have-nots. Cardboard shacks next to mansions, that type of thing. Walking back to our apartment from dinner one night, I watched a family celebrating their child's birthday. An entire extended family gathering around a five year old to watch him open a huge wrapped present. It was really fun to watch. And then I noticed I was not the only one watching the party. A little beggar boy, the same age had been watching from the corner and probably unknowingly had walked closer and closer to see what was going on. The birthday boy opened his present - a new bike, and squealed and his family laughed and hugged him. It was picturesque. And I looked back at the beggar child expecting to see jealousy on his face and what I saw was indescribably worse than jealousy. I could see his little wheels turning, but didn't see anger, excitement, sadness. Just a tiny little boy with nothing attempting to take in a scene his own life had given him no ability to digest. I cried night after night because of that look. And still cry thinking about it now. I still have found no word for the look on his face, and though my situation is FAR different, I have felt that feeling.

It just is.

And I imagine that though I don't know anyone personally who is further along the IF road than me, if I did, then there would be someone out there who I care about who I would have to tell the happy news "I am pregnant"( if indeed I am.) And I wouldn't filter my own happiness. And I wouldn't expect her to give me the cursory "I am so happy for you" but of course she would.

We just do.

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